Today I felt as though I was a failure because I'm not getting things done. I'm feeling pressure from financial stress, my tire went flat, I'm upset because I can't attend college in the Fall, and I was beating myself up over the ten pounds I recently put on. I felt depressed, disheartened and began to cry.
I don't understand why I was so sad considering I've been through much worse in my life and I've gotten through it. I was feeling insurmountable pressure and I didn't know what to do with it, other than pray and talk to God.
I'm feeling the money pressure and anyone who is on disability knows what I'm referring to. I feel as though I get enough money to pay the household bills, but lack funds for my kids school supplies, clothes and sneakers.
I know I could get a decent job with my college degrees, but I think its useless. What good are Bachelor degrees, if I'd be earning 32 grand a year, still struggling and doing a job I didn't like? However, I could continue with college, be broke for a couple more years to finish with a Master's in Fine Arts degree and make about sixty grand a year.
Meanwhile, my kids and I suffer with little income and struggling to get by. So I've been doing small general contracting jobs to earn a few extra dollars, but the money has been going towards food and vet bills.
Copper chewed a hole in my sofa and has destroyed a third pair of dress shoes! I don't know how I'm going to replace them without any money.
Sigh...
I feel like giving up
I hung my head in shame.
Lately, I haven't been going to the gym as much. Normally I go 6 - 7 days a week, but lately I've been going four days a week and eating more. This has led to ten unwanted pounds around my middle and the feeling of failure.
To top it all off, my tire went flat and I don't have the means necessary to get it replaced. I found myself asking my boyfriend for help and felt my last ounce of integrity go with it.
Tears rolled down my face and I recited the Serenity Prayer:
I know I can change going to the gym more frequently, so today I went for 2 hours and lifted more weight than ever! I focused on my breathing and internalized my fears.
I know to fix something, I have to change, I have to make a difference now, not tomorrow.
I need to reclaim my independence and take control of my life. I need a plan of action and only I can do this.
However, I need to understand that not everything will happen now.
So I will begin with a better portfolio of my art work, writing to my professors, visiting the financial aid office and by visiting Craigslist to find more work and make money.
I know these fears only stop me from doing what is necessary, so I will stop being afraid, and do what I can.
I can recall my awful life only four years ago...and I smile when I think of where I am today.
I am stronger, smarter and healthier than ever....and know I can do anything if I believe in myself.
Here's a link to a newspaper article, which describes where I was four years ago, Hoping on Healing
I don't understand why I was so sad considering I've been through much worse in my life and I've gotten through it. I was feeling insurmountable pressure and I didn't know what to do with it, other than pray and talk to God.
I'm feeling the money pressure and anyone who is on disability knows what I'm referring to. I feel as though I get enough money to pay the household bills, but lack funds for my kids school supplies, clothes and sneakers.
I know I could get a decent job with my college degrees, but I think its useless. What good are Bachelor degrees, if I'd be earning 32 grand a year, still struggling and doing a job I didn't like? However, I could continue with college, be broke for a couple more years to finish with a Master's in Fine Arts degree and make about sixty grand a year.
Meanwhile, my kids and I suffer with little income and struggling to get by. So I've been doing small general contracting jobs to earn a few extra dollars, but the money has been going towards food and vet bills.
Copper chewed a hole in my sofa and has destroyed a third pair of dress shoes! I don't know how I'm going to replace them without any money.
Sigh...
I feel like giving up
I hung my head in shame.
Lately, I haven't been going to the gym as much. Normally I go 6 - 7 days a week, but lately I've been going four days a week and eating more. This has led to ten unwanted pounds around my middle and the feeling of failure.
To top it all off, my tire went flat and I don't have the means necessary to get it replaced. I found myself asking my boyfriend for help and felt my last ounce of integrity go with it.
Tears rolled down my face and I recited the Serenity Prayer:
I know I can change going to the gym more frequently, so today I went for 2 hours and lifted more weight than ever! I focused on my breathing and internalized my fears.
I know to fix something, I have to change, I have to make a difference now, not tomorrow.
I need to reclaim my independence and take control of my life. I need a plan of action and only I can do this.
However, I need to understand that not everything will happen now.
So I will begin with a better portfolio of my art work, writing to my professors, visiting the financial aid office and by visiting Craigslist to find more work and make money.
I know these fears only stop me from doing what is necessary, so I will stop being afraid, and do what I can.
I can recall my awful life only four years ago...and I smile when I think of where I am today.
I am stronger, smarter and healthier than ever....and know I can do anything if I believe in myself.
Here's a link to a newspaper article, which describes where I was four years ago, Hoping on Healing
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