Thoughts

There are days like today where I feel like I'm falling part...I envision myself as an old handmade porcelain doll, peeling, cracking, and withering away. When does my day end? When does it begin? Do I ever accomplish enough? Could I have done more? Could I have done better?
I've often wonder how I've come so far and wonder when am I going to fall apart?
I feel tension and pressure rising. . I haven't done enough on my sculpture;
I've handed in my midterm a day late;
My children want to be near their friends and not me;
My boyfriend waits for me to freak out;
All I want to do is yell, holler and scream...freak the fuck out;
Or do I breath, yawn, have a drink and chill the fuck out?
I look in the mirror and I see every wrinkle, every freckle, every grey hair, every once of fat;
I put some make up in hopes of revealing beauty, but all I see is a frail little girl ready to fall, break and shatter into a thousand pieces. . .
                                                  of nothing.
I'm suppose to be the "woman of steel," the unbreakable, strong, independent woman, who can conquer anything.
What am I?
Who am I?
Will I stop thinking of myself as full of flaws?
Am I ever going to realize, that I am today?
I am not my past, my mistakes, my sadness, or gloom that puts my thoughts where they are now:
I think back to my to all of my different life times I have experienced, from the business women to the drug addict, to the anorexic, to the depressed lonely little girl, the wife, the victim, the sick frail girl waiting to die, to the fat slob, the mother, the student, the artist, the painter, the sculptress the writer. . .
What am I?
What am going to do with tomorrow?
Will I decide to embrace what's around me at the time or will I get up and create, fight and struggle through creating my hopes and dreams in spite of fear?
What do I fear (besides God)?
I fear not walking, not running, being in pain, not seeing, being in a hospital, not being capable of pursuing my dreams, not painting, not writing, not being able to think clearly, living life, feeling the wind on my face, the pavement beneath my feet, and the rain on my skin.
I am not perfect, I am full flaws, full of sadness, full of desire, stitched, glued, taped and put back together in all sorts of wrong. I don't know who I am, or what I'm going to be or what I will conquer tomorrow, but I will start now, here, where I write and remember how I feel.
Every emotion, every bit of pain, every once of sorrow. . .I grieve, but I breath, and I remember there's still now, there's still today.
I will smile and live!
And I will have a glass of wine . . .

A previous post of mine, Inspiration

Emotional Wildfire

I can't believe this semester of school has already begun. It's strange to think that just a few months ago I thought I wouldn't be attending college this semester. I am delighted to say, that I am attending college this semester, stronger than ever, and I am creating art.

Is there anything that feels better than unleashing your imagination, finding your zone, letting go of everything around you and creating the impossible with your hands and your mind? I find peace, serenity, tranquility, inspiration, beauty and awe, in art.

I am embarking on a new journey, everyday. I begin my day, with tons of supplements, a healthy breakfast, and weightlifting. I find eating healthy creates a wholesome goodness at the core of my being and weightlifting provides an inner strength to my mind and body. This beginning to my day, enlightens my soul and invigorates my heart. Why wouldn't I want to begin my day healthy and strong? It's not easy to make myself go to the gym, especially when I'm tired, have so many other things to do, and always experiencing pain, but I have to...or I can't ever make the most of my day.

I have always created art based on the memoirs about my life. I typically abstract these memories and create a piece based on expressive emotion of the event I am retelling.

The next piece I am going to make I am going to do realistically, to emphasize what words cannot express and the heart can only feel. I want people to empathize with my art, and make a web of emotional connections, from one individual to another. For people to understand, they are not alone.  

I want to inspire people with strength and light....and help them look inside of themselves to see their emotions are beautiful, and nothing to be afraid of.

If sharing the traumatic events in my life can truly touch just one soul, and they inspire another, maybe then I can create a wildfire of love, to make this world a better place.

Prior related posts of mine, Inspiration
                                          How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis
                                          How to Help Pain ans Stress Naturally
                                          Unleashing My Imagination

Inspiration

                                 A previous post of mine, How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

                                            A recent post of mine, Emotional Wildfire

RAPE

How do I begin..what do I say? Let me start where the night began....It was the night before Thanksgiving, 8 years ago...I was 25 and had been separated for about a year. I had been with my husband since I was 15 and was abused mentally, physically, emotionally and even sexually for over 8 years. 

I had no idea what the world was like because I wasn't allowed to have friends when I was married. I had no idea of how cruel and selfish people could be. I had gone from a home where my father physically abused me, to living with my boyfriend (who became my husband) who continued to hurt me.

When I finally gained the courage to leave my husband, I never felt so wonderful. It was as though I was a wild bird caged for many years...but then the door to my prison was opened and I clumsily flapped my atrophied wings, my heart beating rapidly, and I escaped.
 
I remember that night...I wish I could forget it. It was the night I couldn't scream! How I wish I could go back in time and scream...I lost a piece of myself..on that cold Autumn night....

My friend Amber and Edward Lux (I had been dating him for about 2 weeks) came over after my children went to bed that night.

Ed pulled out bottles of liquor from his bag, and I got out some beer. We began drinking quite heavily, one shot after another, swigging the beer afterwards, chasing the liquor down.

I'm not sure exactly how much I drank, I was so intoxicated by 1am that I could barely stand.

Amber decided to go upstairs and sleep in my bedroom and I slept downstairs in living room, on some blankets with Ed.

The second after we laid down his hands were all over me...groping my breasts, and my ass. He was thrusting his tongue into my mouth..."go slow and easy..." I said.
 
"Come on! Its been two weeks already. I can't wait for you any longer..." Ed said while pushing my butt into his pelvis, so I could feel his erection.
 
"I may be drunk, but I'm not ready to have sex with you yet!" I put my hands on his chest, pulled my knees up and tried pushing him away.
 
He pulled me closer and harder into him, as I pushed away...
 
"Stop it!" I said firmly.
 
"You know you want it," he said laughingly, as he grabbed my crotch.
 
I pushed his hands off with all of my strength, "I said stop it! I don't want this!"
 
I jerked my head back trying to stop him from slobbering me with his mouth, I then tried wriggling away from his tight hold on me. Whenever I pulled away, he would grab me harder and snicker...

I knew my strength was no match for his. Ed had an incredibly huge physique. He won the Tough Man Contest in Glens Falls two years in a row. I also felt languid from the heavy drinking I did that night, which only impaired my ability to fight him off.
 
I begged him to stop..over and over again.
 
"You are hurting me! I don't want to have sex with you!"
 
Ed angrily replied, "When? When then? I can't wait for you any longer!"
 
I lied and replied, "I don't know when. I guess when I feel ready, and I'm not ready yet!"
 
I knew at this point I never wanted to have sex with him. In fact, I didn't want to see him ever again after he continually groped and pulled on my body. I just wanted him to stop at this point, so I told him this hoping that if he thought I may want to have sex with him in the future, he would stop out of respect.
 
 "Can we fool around a little more?"

I replied firmly, "No...I'm really tired and drunk. I just want to sleep."

He loosened his grip on me and I rolled over and went to sleep.
 
A few hours later I awoke to him pulling my pants and underwear off. I felt fuzzy and very drunk...I could barely comprehend what was happening...was I dreaming?

"Stop! What are you doing?" I began kicking my legs, trying to stop what was happening. My pants were around my ankles making this very difficult.

He lunged his body forward on top of mine...snickering. He grabbed my wrists and pinned them together above my head. I yanked my head from side to side, and tried moving my arms...I could feel his knees on top of my thighs, making it so I couldn't move my legs. I was pinned and helpless.

I didn't know what to do...I couldn't scream because I would wake my kids up and they'd see their mother being raped!

I began to cry...and begged for him to stop..."Please, please...please stop."

His other hand went to his pants and I could hear his zipper....

"NO...NO...I don't want this! Please stop!"

He tried thrusting his penis into me...I flexed my thighs as hard as could, trying to stop him. He slid his knees up further onto my thighs and used his hand trying to spread my legs open.

I got a hand free...and went for this throat and squeezed his neck, attempting to hurt and or stop him. His other hand came forward and pulled my hand back above my head.

He thrust his penis into me...

My neck tightened up and my mouth opened to scream...but I couldn't...I couldn't wake my children to witness this horror.

Tears flowed from my eyes..."Stop it...stop...your hurting me!"

He continued to thrust his body into mine, while grunting like a wild animal.

"You know you want this....aaahhhh....you feel sooooo good..."
 
I sobbed...I didn't know what else to do...the more I tried to fight him off...the harder he plunged his pelvis into me and the more it hurt.
 
I began thinking in my head, why did I get drunk? What did I do to deserve this? Why is this happening to me? Is this really happening? I am a whore...Get off of me! Get off of MEEE!
 
The rape lasted maybe two minutes...but it seemed like hours...I thought it would never end.
 
After he ejaculated in me he collapsed on top of me and let go of my hands...I pushed on him as hard as I could, trying to get him off of me.
 
I slowly sat up and tried putting my underwear and pants back on....while I continued to sob.
 
I didn't know what to do? How do I get him out of my house? Do I call the police and report a rape? Wait...I can't call the police...what would my family think of me? Would they question if it was rape because I was intoxicated? Should I go to the hospital....who would they call? What would they do? Could he impregnate me? 

I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
 
I never felt so humiliated, degraded, disrespected, disgusting, mortified, petrified, hurt, sad, and dirty in all of my life.
 
I went into the bathroom, and wiped his filth from between my legs. My thighs were trembling with pain...my vagina hurt so bad.
 
I splashed water onto my face, trying to wake up. I looked into the mirror and put my head down...I was ashamed, so ashamed...

Paper Mache. life size, "RAPE" I created

                                 

A previous post of mine titled, Inspiration

Another previous post of mine, The Beauty in Tragedy

A recent post of mine titled, Emotional Wildfire

How to Help Pain and Stress Naturally

When our day begins and we wake up in pain, it is very depressing and stressful. We tend to focus on what is "hurting" rather than detach ourselves from the affliction.

The latest research has found a direct link between stress and new lesion formation (link to article).

The source of our malady doesn't matter... regardless of mental, or physical pain, there's always a way to work through it.

I've got a torn rotator cuff, two protruding discs at L4 and L5, suffered with MS for years, have had 3 knee surgeries, my gall bladder removed, and two brain surgeries due to trigeminal neuralgia (the most painful affliction in the world).

I know pain...it's hard, and worse, it is depressing.

The worst thing to do, is to sit around and do nothing, and let the pain and depression consume you.

I keep moving and working, always doing something to keep my mind away from pain.

I'm not saying to ignore a medical issue that needs treatment. Rather I'm saying, if you're like me...and suffer with pain, it's best to keep your mind off and away from it because it causes stress on your whole body.

Here's a link about how pain and stress are closely related.

I stay positive, and I am always looking for things to do. For example, I'm always listening to music, writing, spending time with loved ones, weight lifting, shopping for healthy food, reading, and creating. The Fall semester for college begins in less than a week...I can't wait to get into the studio and start sculpting. I'm also taking a 400 level English course, with a focus on writing.

Once my mind stops focusing, I find the pain...and feel miserable.

I feel most relaxed when I'm creating. I enter this "zone," and get so into what I'm doing that the rest of the world disappears.

It can be hard to create when my pain is awful, but all I have to do is start to create and I accidentally fall into my "zone" and the pain disappears.

You may not be creative and that's fine...find a hobby, spend time with a friend, meditate, pray, create a scrapbook, listen to/play music, play cards, board games, sing, dance, exercise, cook, read, write, stretch, etc. It doesn't matter what healthy activity you do, as long as your whole mind is immersed in it.

When your lost deep in thought, your body relaxes, stress lifts, and pain goes away.

Find your "zone," where your world, and your pain, melts away.

Related previous posts of mine, How to Fight Depression Naturally
                                                  How Exercise Fights MS
                                                 How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

A Personal Note ~ To my Amazing Children

Dear James and Veronica,

I feel as though I have never conveyed how grateful I am to the both of you for loving and taking care of me all of those years when I was ill with MS. I never forgot every act of kindness, patience, and love you showed me...in my darkest times. I know mothers are suppose to be strong...but there were numerous times when I wasn't because I was so sick and leaned on you two for help.

Veronica ~

I remember how you learned to cook at a young age...because I had such trouble walking and standing. You stood in front of the stove, got out the eggs, and asked me to cook them for you. I was in such pain...I couldn't do it. You then got a chair, pushed it up to the stove and said "That's okay mommy...How do I make eggs?"

Sigh...my eyes water remembering that moment...how I adore you Veronica...

I told you to turn the stove on, crack the eggs and flip them when they turned white. I watched you from the sofa, as I was curled into a ball, from the pain.

You gently cracked the eggs against the stove, until they broke...you looked at the eggs in the pan and said "Mommy would you like some eggs too?"

You flipped the eggs, better than I ever could...you didn't even break the yolks! You then went over to the toaster and made some toast for the eggs.

You handed me a plate of eggs and toast, made by your little hands. Tears rolled down my cheeks because I was  grateful, but saddened because I couldn't be a mother.

Shortly thereafter you learned to cook pasta, macaroni and cheese, grilled cheese and Oodles of noodles. You took my place in the kitchen and became the mother. You cooked for James and I, taking care of us. Thank you...what you did all of those years...cannot be expressed in words.

I remember many times you placing a blanket on me, kissing my forehead, and saying "good night," before heading to bed. I never had to tell you it was time for bed. In fact, you often told James, to "go to bed...mommy isn't feeling good. We need to help mom, and be good."

You and James even did the laundry for me. Since you were better at folding, James washed and dried the clothes, so you could fold them. I even remember the times you put my clothes away in my dresser for me.

Then there were times you and James would clean the house...the best you could.

We wouldn't have had a clean home if it wasn't for you!

Thank you.

James ~

I never forgot the first time I came home on Canadian crutches. I felt so sad, lonely and depressed. You were only 3 years old...and you looked at me and said, "Mommy those are so cool...let me try!"

I smiled and began to cry....

You always tried to help me with Veronica, by watching over her and making sure she didn't get into trouble. I don't what I would have done if you hadn't helped me.

You helped with laundry, did chores around the house, helped me shop, carried in the groceries... you managed to do all of things I couldn't.

You would help me to my feet, get my walker or crutches and encouraged me to walk again...

When I'd fall you'd help me up.

You became the man of the house as a little boy.

Thank you so very much James...


I have often wondered if you two are angels, sent by God, to help me through my toughest times.

I wish I could of given you two the childhood you deserved. Instead the two of you accompanied me to the hospitals, pharmacies, doctors, got me my medicine, helped me to the bathroom, cooked and cleaned.

Helping me the way you guys did....kept us together! Could I ever thank you enough?

I'm sorry you guys couldn't hug me, sit on my lap or touch me because the my pain heightened when you did.  How I wanted to reach out to you guys, pull you in and hug you...I always feel sad thinking I never showed you two enough affection, when you were little and needed it most.

I'm sorry I couldn't be much of a mother all of those years...

I know I can't change the past...but I will live the rest of my life trying.

I know God created you two just for me. I've always felt so blessed to have such wonderful, supportive children. You have been my hope and light, in my darkest times of my life.

Everyone should know how wonderful you two are....

If it wasn't for the two of you...I wouldn't be who I am today. You are the strength, determination and courage I need to defeat MS.

I love you both with every beat of my heart....
 
Mom ~

A previous post of mine, How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

Resolving the Battle of Exhaustion

I have been completely exhausted lately, so tired I couldn't do anything but sleep. I literally felt like a "limp noodle." However, as of this afternoon...I feel ten times better!

When I was doing a lot of research about hypothyroidism, I read about adrenal fatigue.

I've always been one of those people who is driven and full of determination when I tackle any task. Although this is a great personality trait for getting something accomplished, it has begun to harm my body.

When your body is always stressed out it can cause an adrenal insufficiency, or worse, an adrenal crisis.

The adrenal glands are bean sized glands, located at the top of your kidneys. These small glands are responsible for producing: cortisone, aldosterone, androgenous hormones, and catecholamines (adrenaline and non-adrenaline hormones).

Adrenal glands can be damaged through a poor diet, stress, medication (corticosteroids), lack of ACTH from the pituitary gland, infection, untreated hypothyroidism, toxins (soy, hormones, birth control pills), low iodine intake and excessive caffeine consumption.

I'm not sure what exactly has caused my adrenal problem...could of been a mixture of the above causes. My primary suspects are untreated hypothyroidism, years of corticosteroids and stress. I seem to do too much and need to learn how to relax more often.

How did I resolve this adrenal fatigue? My boyfriend literally dragged me off the floor and we went to Health Hut in Delmar, NY, and purchased Solaray Adrenal Caps. I can't believe this remedy was under $10 and made me feel 100% better!

I must warn you though, if you do not have adrenal fatigue or insufficiency and you take this, you may feel jittery and hyper or you may stress out your adrenal glands and cause an adrenal crisis, which can be life threatening. There is bovine in these caplets, which is freeze dried adrenals from an animal, which is to be only used in more serious cases of adrenal fatigue.

Safer remedies are ginseng, melatonin, licorice root, ginger root, yoga, healthy diet, exercise, laughing, meditation, vitamin B, vitamin C, zinc, selenium, sea salt, magnesium, 5-HTP, Valerian root, l-tyrosine, and minimizing stress.

I take most of the supplements and vitamins listed above, exercise and have a nutritious diet, but I have hypothyroidism which is being treated with bovine and according to my recent blood work this is not enough. However, I did just recently order a safe desiccated thyroid online called Thyroid-S, which is much more effective.

I also highly recommend the website and the book, Stop the Thyroid Madness. The information they provide I found to be most the helpful. The website not only discusses every type of hypothyroidism, but also discusses adrenal fatigue. There are types of self exams you can perform, as well as blood work, which can be done from your home. There is a lot of information on this website and it is time consuming, but I found the resolution to my problem.

Before I took these adrenal caps, I felt weak, was extremely tired and anxious, had cold hands and feet, my lower back ached, my legs felt heavy, I had trouble falling and staying asleep, and had low blood pressure. These are many of the symptoms associated with adrenal fatigue.

I thought it was strange to fight fatigue with supplements which relax your body...but it seems your body needs to learn how to relax in order to produce the proper hormones.

I also recently learned that low progesterone and high estrogen levels are usually caused by adrenal insufficiency. These glands are responsible for the production of androgenous hormones, such as progesterone. This means the yam cream I've been using, is useless!

Doing things healthier and natural...isn't easy but it's better for your body. I know trial and error can be aggravating when the resolution isn't so clear. It took me a bit to resolve this problem, but I have. Find what works for you! 

I can't wait until I get Thyroid-S...I can't imagine how great I'm going to feel!

I've had an awesome day! I'm feeling better, writing on my blog and attending college in another week.

Yay!

Life is good...thank you God.

Read a previous post titled, Hypothyroidism and Battling Your Weight

How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

Personal Note ~ To My Readers

I'm sorry I haven't posted anything lately. I have not been feeling good...my thyroid levels are very low. This has been making me feel completely exhausted.

I'm waiting to receive the natural dessicated thyroid I ordered.

The video of the leg press, was edited...but uploaded incorrectly on YouTube. The audio cuts out and its not suppose to. I wrote an email to YouTube, but they never responded. So I have to do it again!

I'm also almost done with another post.

I should definitely have something posted by tomorrow night.

Thank you for reading.

I Will Have a New Post Up Tomorrow Night

I want to apologize to my readers...I've been trying to get on a proper sleep schedule. I have been up late most nights writing...and as you know this can be unhealthy and lead to an unproductive day. However, I'm almost finished editing my video that I want to post here and almost done with a new post that will be ready by tomorrow night.

Thank you for reading ~

How to Naturally Boost Progestrone Levels

The past few weeks I've changed what I eat because I have low progesterone levels. I also bought a natural progesterone cream made from wild yams. I can't believe the immediate effects from doing this.

I battle thyroid issues (Hypothyroidism and Battling Your Weight) and because of this I have low progesterone. I could use birth control pills to help, but I can't stand the adverse side effects that come with them. Instead, I have chosen the natural way...eating foods to boost progesterone and using a natural wild yam cream.

Here's a link about how to increase your progesterone levels naturally.

The past few weeks at the gym have been so exciting...I've increased the amount of weight I use in every one of my lifts. I back pressed 100 pounds today! Two weeks ago I could only press 60.

I hit a plateau with lifting weights, which has lasted over a year.

This simple remedy is already helping dramatically. I use the wild yam cream in the morning. I also use curry (which contains turmeric) on my food and eat turkey and eggs almost daily, to help naturally boost my level of progesterone. Here's the link about which foods help progesterone levels.

Unfortunately, I haven't seen it help my frequent, heavy periods.

Fair warning, the yams found in stores, in the United States, are sweet potatoes!

I know it takes two months before your progesterone increases by 20%, but that's okay.

I feel great, I'm lifting more and I'm not dealing with any nasty side effects that prescription medicines would give me.

What more could I ask for?

God I love life! I can't wait to see how much I lift tomorrow.

Although I'm camera shy...I've recorded a video of me, leg pressing 820 pounds! I hope to have it edited and posted tomorrow.

A future post and a MUST READ to RESOLVE progesterone: Resolve Your Progesterone Problems Naturally

Here are a few previous posts of mine: How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis


To resolve a progesterone problem read a future post, Resolving The Battle Of Exhaustion

How to Fight Depression Naturally

Hypothyroidism and Battling Your Weight

I'm still feeling quite disheartened about my weight lately. Although I eat a moderate amount of calories low in fat and exercise daily, I am still battling my weight. I suffer with hypothyroidism and low progesterone, due to the gamma knife surgery I had two years ago, which eradicated my pituitary gland.

Feeling great mentally I find to be a challenge, when I'm not satisfied with how I look and feel in my clothes. I've always believe that a healthy frame of mind contributes to the well being of the body.

I was taunted and teased as a child because I was the "fat kid" in my class. When I reached seventh grade, I lost 20 pounds and grew 3 inches. I suddenly found myself surrounded by new, so called "friends," and was treated with more respect by others.

When I got pregnant with my son, I put on weight! Lots of it! I used the term eating for two literally and gained 100 pounds! When I tried losing the weight my husband put me down, called me names and accused me of cheating on him.

After I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, I knew I had to lose the weight. I went about it the wrong way and ate almost nothing throughout the day. Within a few months I lost over 100 pounds, my husband hated me (which wasn't a bad thing), my health declined...but I "looked good."

Now I'm 33 years old...I feel healthier and stronger than ever. I don't look perfect, but I'm not happy with my body image, which is stressing me out. So I know I need to do resolve this issue I am having.

I have been reading a community forum which discusses how Armour Thyroid tablets are all natural and actually work (here's that link)! The problem is the FDA has been taking down the websites which provided a homeopathic doctor "near you" that prescribe this remedy!

I am outraged! I am not given the choice to remedy my medical condition naturally...and I am not treating it because of the side effects associated with synthroid, like bone loss. I've tried synthroid in the past and it didn't work.

Why would I continue taking something that is hurting my body and making me feel worse?

I am not giving up! I am still going to try to find a doctor who can help me. I need to start calling local homeopathic doctors and asking if they will prescribe Armour.

I want to look in the mirror and feel confident and secure with how I look, but I will not adversely effect my health to achieve this.

I know our culture promotes women looking "thin." Everywhere you look on TV or on the Internet, "diets" are promoted with pills, shakes and supplements, with a skinny female, half nude near the promotional product.

Our society has made women want to crawl out of their skin and hate themselves so they can look and feel "sexy."

Where does it end? What is sexy? Why can't a woman feel strong, beautiful and independent regardless of their weight?

I read this and I know I need to reevaluate the ideas I've been conditioned to think by society.

I need to look in the mirror and see "me"...and everything I am...All of my triumphs and defeats, and love me for who I am.

How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

A related previous post titled, Dangerous Foods to Avoid

A previous post of mine titled, Conquering Dietary Problems

Pesticides and Foods Containing Deadly Bromine

I went to Indian Ladder Farms today with my boyfriend to get local nutritious food, free of chemicals and pesticides. While he looked at the farm eggs, I found plums with a handwritten sign which read "Grown here." I picked up two small plums and immediatly felt a powdery substance which covered them.

I began to freak out because I felt a cold sensation in the area of my hand which was touching these two tiny plums.

I ran over to my boyfriend and handed him the poisonous plums....and yelled, "Here take these away from me!"

I'm laughing now while I'm typing this, but its really awful....I handed him toxic chemicals to rid me of them.

I know my body is 10 times more sensitive than most people because of my immune system. In fact I often refer to my allergies as "hypersensitive." I can feel poison quicker than most people because my immune system has been compromised.

I think of my allergies as being unique and different then most people. I'm not only allergic to gluten and soy, but to chemicals as well.

Oddly enough we still purchased the plums...

When I got in the car...I felt my hand burning. It had become darker pink on a section of my palm, coupled by little white dots. I couldn't believe it...I only touched the plums for a few seconds.

I recently was reading the book, Doctors are Dangerous, Take Control of Your Health and Escape the Sickness Industry, and came across the chapter on bromine.

Bromine is typically found in pools and in pesticides. The problem with it being in pesticides, is that when crops are sprayed, rain follows and leaks this poison into the ground and into our water. Meaning we bathe and drink it, in small quantities. Bromine is also found in citrus flavored sodas, Gatorade, some breads and vegetable oil as BVO.

Fortunately, most carbon filtration systems can get rid of the bromine in the water, and spring water is typically free of it.

My boyfriend and I have been using Lugol's Solution for three days right now. Its suppose to help detoxify impurities, including bromine from your body (I will keep everyone up to date with how it works).

Lugol's 5% Solution

When we got home we threw out the plums...(I have no idea why we bought them) and I drank water with 2 drops of Lugol's Solution. I also put iodine on my skin where the sensitivity was.

Be careful with this solution...its very potent and can be dangerous. See this link.

Below is a picture of my hand after holding the two tiny plums for only 10 seconds!

Although this a minor irritation, this happened in seconds!

I learned today, that even a small farm can use pesticides and hormones, and I need to ask more questions to be safe.

Here's an earlier post of mine titled, How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

Sorry ~ I Need Sleep

I was getting ready to write another post...but I'm very tired. The post I made last night took over four hours and kept me up until 4:30am. I will make another post tomorrow, hopefully in the morning. I need sleep, big day tomorrow I will be weight lifting with my legs. I want to record a video of how I can leg press 770 pounds and share it here. I definitely need to be fully rested to do that.

Good Night~

How to Defeat Multiple Sclerosis Without Disease Modifying Drugs

Disease modifying therapies, which contain interferon, have been widely used to treat multiple sclerosis. However, recent studies have scientifically proven that they do not lessen disability. So what does that mean about the other treatments that are available? Are they safe and effective? What are they doing to your body when you take them?

I am disappointed with the scientific field, for producing false hope in individuals with MS. The disease modifying drugs which contain Betaseron have been used since 1993 and are now known to not prevent disability. So people have been using these drugs for about 20 years and are only now becoming aware of the fact they may not work? That just pisses me off.

Here's a link about interferon based drugs being ineffective against disability.

I remember trying Avonex and the flu like symptoms that came with it were unbelievable. My body obviously knew to reject it. I only took it for a few weeks because I had 2 relapses while I was on it.

Shortly thereafter, I tried Rebif...I was told the side effects were more tolerable, and they were...I used it for almost 7 weeks. During that time I had 3 relapses. I turned to my neurologist Dr. Lava while I was in the hospital and said, "The Rebif is making me sicker isn't it?"

"It appears it is making you worse," he replied.

I never tried Tysarbi because the rebound effect frightened me. I was relapsing often, and I was scared that if I went on Tysarbi and then had to stop taking it, I could get sicker. The thought of developing more lesions when I already had about 30, scared the shit out of me. What could those lesions do to me? To be honest I wasn't scared of the PML. I wanted the MS symptoms to stop and when this drug first came out there was no information about the JC virus. I figured if I died from PML I wouldn't suffer anymore. However the fear of suffering the rebound effect was enough to make me never try it.

I had used Copaxone for years and I must admit...I felt as though it did help. After years of taking it, I couldn't handle the side effects any longer. I got sick of injecting myself, the welts were horrible, the cost of the drug is astronomical, the side effects felt terrible and I was still getting relapses.

Medical research has shown Copaxone has medical benefits in slowing down the number of relapses for MS, but they don't understand why.

Did you know the main ingredients in Copaxone are 4 amino acids? They are: glutamic acid, lysine, alanine and tyrosine.

Why inject yourself with an over priced drug with severe side effects, when you can buy these amino acids at most vitamin stores or online, take them orally, save money, and most importantly be safe and feel good? This is why I advocate protein in forms of chicken and whey, and have suggested taking amino acids in previous post titled, A Secret to Defeating MS.

You must be thinking why didn't my doctor, who I trust, tell me this?

He didn't tell you this because he went to medical college for Western medicine. He is not an Eastern medicine doctor which studied homoeopathic remedies in college. In fact, he can't tell you this without risking a lawsuit because his insurance only protects him from the school of thought he got a degree in.

I recently saw my gynecologist because my periods have been irregular and I wanted to make sure everything was okay with my lady parts. He tried to prescribe my progesterone. I said, "I told you doctor I will only use natural remedies. I will start eating yams and use a natural cream made from yams, but I will not take your prescription."

He replied, "I am not licensed to prescribe a natural remedy, my insurance won't protect me."

I thanked him for his honesty and realized that the next time I need a doctor I will seek out a homeopathic one.

In my post yesterday (Latest Research has "Cured" Mice from MS) I discussed the newest scientific research which indicates that beta-amyloid cells are responsible for "curing" mice with MS. There is a connection between glutamine (glutamic acid) and beta amyloid cells. Here's a link which discusses this connection.

So your probably wondering why Copaxone has such severe side effects?

Most side effects are caused by a glutamine overdose or an allergy to glutamine. It depends on the side effect you are experiencing...you could even be having an allergic reaction to the inactive ingredient Mannitol.

How can you avoid these painful injections and unwanted side effects?

Take glutamine, which is the what glutamaic acid is derived from. If you take the glutamine in the form of a vitamin, you will have the flexibility of ingesting the amino acid orally, and taking the amount your body can tolerate without side effects.

I also want to point out this link from The New York Times which states, "At the same time, they acknowledge certain weaknesses of their own study, in particular the problem that people who take no medicine are also likely to be among those who are the least ill and therefore least likely to become disabled in any case."

I find the above paragraph very amusing...because I haven't taken an MS therapy drug in years! I had an EDSS score of 5.5 while I was using drug modifying therapies and over 40 lesions. Now I take NOTHING and I am free of MS symptoms. I do believe people like myself would benefit from not taking the medicine because they are not putting toxic, foreign substances into their body.
I know the vitamins I have suggested cost money and you may be receiving disability and have trouble affording them...but you really need to, in order to make a full recovery. Here's a link to my previous post, Vitamins that Fight Disease.

Vitamins are not magic pills! You must adopt a healthy life style as I have mentioned in my previous posts in order to repair the damage from multiple sclerosis. This will not happen overnight because it takes time to remove the impurities, toxins and free radicals in your body.

Do I think you should stop taking your disease modifying drug....

I cannot answer that for you.

However, I have informed you of how I approach this disease, what I do, and shown you the medical research so you can make the best decision for you.

If you feel what you are taking is not working for you, then why continue?

A previous post titled, How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis.

Latest Scientific Research has "Cured" Mice from Multiple Sclerosis

I became diagnosed with multiple sclerosis when I went temporarily blind in my left eye and was prescribed IV solu-medrol to stop it. According to the newest research this is NOT beneficial. In fact, we should be trying to strengthen the immune system!

They are "Curing" mice from multiple sclerosis.

This is the latest research, released this week!

See the article about this here.

What does this information mean? How can we implement what they have just learned into our lives?

To begin, this information points to free radicals as the culprits to this wretched disease. Free radicals are pollution, radiation, cigarette smoke and herbicides. These things are found in MRI's, x-rays, our homes, our water, and our food!

To expel free radicals from the body we must eat a diet rich in anti-oxidants, such as: colorful fruits and vegetables, vitamin A, C and E, zinc and selenium.

Another way to rid the body of free radicals is through exercise because it purifies our lymph nodes. Here's a previous post of mine titled, How Exercise Fights Multiple Sclerosis.

Strengthen your immune system against free radicals and anymore damage...see this previous post of mine titled, Strengthening the Immune System.

Another way to help your immune system is to lower your stress level. Exercise does this, as well as hobbies and things you enjoy. This may also mean you have to change your career path if you are finding it too stressful because stress weakens the immune system. Change anything and everything in your life...if you need to, to combat stress and feel great.

Depression is another culprit for stress. Here's a previous post of mine titled, How to Fight Depression Naturally.

Then the next big question, what about steroids? Should I take them?

I've heard that question so many times...

According to the latest research, you definitely should not take them because they weaken your immune system!

I have been living MS free (no symptoms) for almost 2 years now, relapse free for four years. Don't wait for the latest research to become a medicine...the drug hasn't been formulated, and it hasn't been in any clinical trials. In other words, this drug will not be available for years!

Are you going to wait years?

Why not incorporate this research into your daily life, make healthy food choices, take vitamins, exercise and combat stress and depression naturally.

It is very difficult to live a healthy life, especially in this fast paced world, but it's not impossible.

Future posts about health and nutrition will be posted to my blog on almost a daily basis so you can live happy, healthy lives and defeat this wretched disease as I have.

This post of mine titled, How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis, describes more on how to do this.

Here's another previous post of mine titled, The Hidden Dangers of Household Chemicals.

How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

I have been told numerous occasions I need to tell my story because people need to know the truth about how to this fight and defeat disease. I am living proof that a cure does exist! I once believed, that at my current age of 33, I'd be in a wheelchair, a nursing home, respite care or dead because the multiple sclerosis was crippling and destroying my mind and body. Instead, I'm thriving, full of life, attending college, making art and attending the gym almost daily.

I'm sure you must be wondering how this is possible? When considering that multiple sclerosis is a debilitating neurological disease which becomes progressive over time. Multiple sclerosis is a terminal illness, with a prognosis of pain, paralysis and eventually death.

Not to mention my disease was on a rapidly progressive course which was beginning to cripple me and the preventative treatments and medications showed no effect. I was on 14 different daily medications to help treat my different symptoms and manage the pain. I felt lost, hopeless and was considering placing my children in foster care because I was hospitalized every 2-6 weeks for an exacerbation.

I felt lost, scared and alone...

I was getting worse and the prescriptions I was taking was numbing my mind and not helping.

Yet I still continued to go to the doctors and complain about my symptoms and the pain. The only thing they would do was offer more drugs and the side effects had left me incapacitated.

I was scared of not taking the prescriptions I was on because I couldn't imagine what my pain would be like if I was off of them.

I finally found the courage to stop every prescription I was taking, including the multiple sclerosis drug modifying therapy, which is suppose to be the only option to help stop this horrifying disease from progressing. Here's a link as to why the MS drugs don't slow disability.

I felt as though nothing was working and I had to change what I was doing.

Stopping the morphine was frightening and painful....but I thought if I could stop taking an addictive narcotic, I could stop taking everything else.

It wasn't easy dealing with, the withdrawal....and all of the pain....

But I did.

After that, I began to stop the medications...one by one...weaning off of them....

It was strange....after I stopped the taking tegretol (which is an anti-seizure drug used to treat pain)....

I woke up!!!

It was like I had been sleeping for many years. I could think more clearly, my thoughts sped up and I began to regain my energy and range of emotions.

I then began to take short brisk walks around my neighborhood everyday.

Then I joined my local YMCA and started doing cardio five days a week. Two weeks later I added strength training.

I could literally feel the neuropathy leave my body and my brain fog disappeared!

The numbness which was once in my legs, went to feet, then to my toes...until I felt completely normal.

My incontinence went away!

My limp was gone!

I started to get my life back!

I could go grocery shopping and carry the bags, do my laundry, cook dinner, play ball with my son, go visit friends and family....and RUN! The sun never felt so warm on face, the air never tasted so crisp, my heart never beat so hard, I could jump, and skip and live life everyday.

I don't fear tomorrow as I once did...I used to be scared of going to sleep and waking to temporary paralysis, blindness or pain.

I am not claiming there are magic pills you can take to feel better. I work on being healthy daily through diet and exercise...and its not easy to maintain...but its possible. Here's another link to someone else who was cured through diet and exercise.

Today, I can't wait for tomorrow....and I will begin at the gym...running and weight lifting....using the legs I once thought I would lose.

A must read post of mine titled, Latest Scientific Reasearch Has "Cured" Mice from Multiple Sclerosis.

Here's a link to a previous post of mine, How Exercise Fights Multiple Sclerosis

Another link of mine, A Secret to Defeating Multiple Sclerosis

A post of mine titled, How to Defeat Multiple Sclerosis Without Disease Modifying Drugs

There are numerous of other posts in my blog which describes which vitamins to take, how to cook quick healthy meals and foods to avoid.


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Triumphant

I only want to make a brief post tonight because I injured my neck at the gym today, making me feel quite uncomfortable and sleepy from the pain. However, this past week I've been kicking ass at the gym, I leg pressed 770 pounds!

Although my weight hasn't come down much this past week, I have been increasing the amount of weight I use. I went from a leg pressing 390 pounds to 770 pounds!!!

I am now considered one of the strongest people at the gym. In fact, the guys that are professional weight lifters were cheering me on, telling me I'm a "bad ass," and bumping fists with me. I still can't believe I lifted that much...I feel like "Super woman."

Here's a link to a video so you know what a leg press is.

Next week I really want my son to go with me and record it on video, so I can share my new feat on a post.

To think that four years ago I was battling multiple sclerosis, was frequently hospitalized, walked with a limp, took 14 prescriptions, and today I'm considered one of the strongest people at the gym...

Sigh..

Thank you God...

I love life!

Over the next few days I want to make posts about having hormone imbalances and what you can do naturally to overcome this. Doctors want to prescribe the quick fix, which are birth control pills. However, these are extremely dangerous because of all the side effects associated with them.

I also want to discuss the multiple sclerosis drug modifying therapies. I haven't taken these drugs for over 5 years and am completely healthy, I want to explain why I don't take them, what they are made of and what other options are available. Here's the post, How to Defeat Multiple Sclerosis Without Disease Modifying Drugs.

I wish I could write more tonight, but my neck is killing me. I need to rest, ice the area and recuperate for my upcoming week. I can't wait to see how much I lift this week!

Here's a link to a previous post of mine, How Exercise Fights Multiple Sclerosis.

Here's another link I wrote entitled, Strengthening the Immune System.

A Quick Healthier Alternative to Fast Food

There are times I'm out longer than expected and I find myself hungry and looking for healthier food choices. Other times I crave chocolate and I need to satisfy this overwhelming desire. There are also times, like yesterday, where I felt weak because my blood sugar was low and I needed to eat something quickly.

There are so many unhealthy fast food choices, that it becomes confusing as to what to choose when you aren't home and have other constraints, such as: time limitations, hunger, and or low blood sugar.

Fruit and yogurt are excellent ways to get a quick sugar uptake and are the healthiest choice to make.

However, there are times when a piece of fruit will not satisfy my hunger, I'm limited on time and I need a healthy alternative.

The only healthy food I have always found, even at gas stations, are protein bars. Protein bars are typically healthy, but not always. Sometimes they are loaded with soy isolate and gluten.

You have to read the allergy and ingredient information to find out what is exactly in them because different flavors contain different allergy contents.

Another problem, is they can also be high in calories and or taste awful.

Met Rx protein bars are found in most gas stations and some are even gluten free.

I eat one of these protein bars not more than once a week. Although this is a healthier alternative to fast food, it is not as nutritious as a home cooked meal, fruits or vegetables, which are the best things to eat.

These bars I am suggesting, have small amounts of soy. Most other protein bars have soy isolate as their main ingredient.

The really wonderful thing about these protein bars is I no longer eat candy bars or junk food! They help satisfy my chocolate craving I have from time to time.

Below is picture of a Met Rx protein bar, chocolate roasted peanut flavor, which is gluten free. Click on image below to read the ingredients and nutritional information.

I'm partial to this brand because of the Metamyosyn blend of protein, which is the first ingredient. However, there are unhealthy ingredients such as a preservatives, lecithan (soy) and corn syrup.

The healthiest protein bar, without preservatives, additives, soy or refined sugars are Raw Protein Bars. Unfortunately, these bars are uncommon, so they have to be purchased and made ahead of time, so they can be carried with you.

Supreme Protein Bars and Pure Protein Bars are two other types of fairly common, healthier alternatives for protein bars.

I am not promoting these protein bars for the best nutrition, I am simply providing a quick alternative to fast food and junk food because we live in a highly demanding, time constrained world.

I hope this information provides useful ideas to eat and live healthy.

Here's a link from a previous post of mine, Healthy, Time Saving Ideas for Food, which provides information to eat completely healthy.

Here's another post of mine, which describes essential nutritional information, A Secret to Defeating MS.

The Hidden Dangers of Household Chemicals

I've often wondered how I got multiple sclerosis. I look at our world today, which uses more chemicals, aerosols, pesticides and insecticides than ever before. When we find a vermin or an insect dwelling in our home, we run to the store to buy toxic chemicals to kill it. But is it also killing us?

I came across an interesting article a few years ago in a magazine, which discussed the first and only link to Parkinson's Disease. Scientists found a link to the use of pesticides and insecticides in and near our homes. Strangely enough I found that article so compelling I threw out the ant killer I had in my apartment.

Later that day I stepped out of my home and onto the grass, and thought of what pesticides or insecticides were on the ground, that seeped into the ground water, which I'm now bathing and drinking in. Then I began thinking of all the times I've seen airplanes fly overhead spraying toxic chemicals all over the place to stop the insects from attacking crops.

Here's a link which describes how our water is contaminated from Deet (bug repellent) and causing neurological conditions, such as MS.

A few days later I went to a drive-in theatre and the mosquitoes were biting me like crazy, I went to put bug repellent on, saw it contained Deet, and cringed at the thought of worsening my current condition. I threw the mosquito repellent away and refused to even let my children use it.

If chemicals were created for a toxic purposes, such as killing bugs, why wouldn't they harm us?

Here's a link, which describes the effects of pesticides and insecticides on the auto immune system and the diseases they caused, such as MS and Parkinson's.

My thoughts since then have turned to basic household chemicals, especially ones with aerosols or sprays. I've noticed when Febreeze or Lysol is sprayed near me I feel a tingling sensation in my body and I may sneeze or cough. What good is a fresh smelling home, if we are slowly dying in it?

Burning incense is an alternative to spraying air fresheners and are generally healthy because they are made from aromatic plant materials.  I prefer a lavender scent, but they do come in various aromas.

Since then, I've thrown out every spray in my home, including hair spray. I've realized there are too many chemicals in them we don't understand yet.

Here's a link which explains the chemicals in household cleaners and disinfectants, and the damage they can cause to our body.

There are plenty of alternative cleaners which can be purchased on the Internet or you can make your own from natural products, such as lemons and vinegar. Here's a site which sells safe, non toxic, eco-friendly products.

People with auto immune system disorders (such as myself) have to be careful, not just of the food we eat, but of the air we breath, and the water we drink and bathe in. The immune system is sensitive and an allergic reaction to a harmful chemical is dangerous and can cause future relapses.

This is why its essential to purify our bodies through diet and exercise.

Here's a  link to a previous post entitled, Strengthening the Immune System, which explains how to detoxify and purify your body.

My Life Could Be Worse

Today I felt as though I was a failure because I'm not getting things done. I'm feeling pressure from financial stress, my tire went flat, I'm upset because I can't attend college in the Fall, and I was beating myself up over the ten pounds I recently put on. I felt depressed, disheartened and began to cry.

I don't understand why I was so sad considering I've been through much worse in my life and I've gotten through it. I was feeling insurmountable pressure and I didn't know what to do with it, other than pray and talk to God.

I'm feeling the money pressure and anyone who is on disability knows what I'm referring to. I feel as though I get enough money to pay the household bills, but lack funds for my kids school supplies, clothes and sneakers.

I know I could get a decent job with my college degrees, but I think its useless. What good are Bachelor degrees, if I'd be earning 32 grand a year, still struggling and doing a job I didn't like? However, I could continue with college, be broke for a couple more years to finish with a Master's in Fine Arts degree and make about sixty grand a year.

Meanwhile, my kids and I suffer with little income and struggling to get by. So I've been doing small general contracting jobs to earn a few extra dollars, but the money has been going towards food and vet bills.

Copper chewed a hole in my sofa and has destroyed a third pair of dress shoes! I don't know how I'm going to replace them without any money.

Sigh...

I feel like giving up

I hung my head in shame.

Lately, I haven't been going to the gym as much. Normally I go 6 - 7 days a week, but lately I've been going four days a week and eating more. This has led to ten unwanted pounds around my middle and the feeling of failure.

To top it all off, my tire went flat and I don't have the means necessary to get it replaced. I found myself asking my boyfriend for help and felt  my last ounce of integrity go with it.

Tears rolled down my face and I recited the Serenity Prayer:
                                                     
I know I can change going to the gym more frequently, so today I went for 2 hours and lifted more weight than ever! I focused on my breathing and internalized my fears.

I know to fix something, I have to change, I have to make a difference now, not tomorrow.

I need to reclaim my independence and take control of my life. I need a plan of action and only I can do this.

However, I need to understand that not everything will happen now.

So I will begin with a better portfolio of my art work, writing to my professors, visiting the financial aid office and by visiting Craigslist to find more work and make money.

I know these fears only stop me from doing what is necessary, so I will stop being afraid, and do what I can.

I can recall my awful life only four years ago...and I smile when I think of where I am today.

I am stronger, smarter and healthier than ever....and know I can do anything if I believe in myself.

Here's a link to a newspaper article, which describes where I was four years ago, Hoping on Healing