Ever feel like everything in your life has happened for a reason? I do...I believe that every occurrence, regardless of how tragic, had a purpose. You may not agree with my statement, but I will show you how I have come to that conclusion.
When I was 16, I moved out of my parent's house because of the abuse I suffered. I moved in with my boyfriend, who became my husband when I was 18. I got married to appease my father because of our family heritage and our religious views. Shortly after I was married, I had my son, James. I considered giving him up for adoption because I felt like a child myself.
A year later, I fell out of a moving car (as I stated in an earlier post). I believe this was to prepare me for the pain I would endure in later years.
Shortly thereafter, I had my daughter Veronica, and once I again I thought of adoption. My husband wouldn't let me consider that option. He stated at the time, "You can't put her up for adoption, I won't allow that." I was forced once again to take care of another child, and I had a premonition my husband wouldn't be there in the future, helping me raise these children. You may ask, why was having these children so young important? I believe that now, I may be sterile from the stem cell transplant. Besides, even if I was to get pregnant now, it could initiate a relapse with the MS. I couldn't go back to that disease and I am happy to have my children!
I continued on with college and had to alter my degree course. Before I became pregnant, I wanted to go to college to be a psychiatrist. However, I knew that wouldn't be possible after the birth of my son. I changed my degree to psychology because I figured I would have less collegiate years. However, I still continued with my English degree as a second major. I never could give up my passion for writing, as you can see.
Shortly thereafter, I encountered blindness (as I stated in a prior post) and was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. After being diagnosed, I had to give up my business, my house, my money and learn to live a humble life. This prepared me, for the artist life I live now.
I was home more often after my diagnosis and I had the time to pay attention to what my husband was doing. I depended on him at this point to run my business because I was no longer able to. It was December, I was 22, my Christmas kiosk was in Barre, Vermont, and my husband was there so I could be home resting. However, I had a problem, the kiosk wasn't making any money as it did in prior years. I decided to drive out there, although I could barely walk, and see what the problem was. I learned Jimmy, (my husband), was cheating on me with several girls and the money was spent on wining and dining them! I couldn't believe it!!! When I needed him most....he was stabbing me, our children, our home in the back! Several months later, I filed for a divorce.
Not only did I lose wealth, but I got a divorce! How could a divorce be good? I know that if I never got sick, I would have never slowed my life down and could of never realized the animal I married. I was forced to evaluate my marriage and realize of its ill effects, on my children and I. I was too busy prior to my illness, to slow down and see the creep I married.
I felt alone, scared and isolated...and that's when I started dating a man, who date raped me! I still scream...and shudder inside at the very thought of this! It made me feel dirty, used, cheap, disgusting...and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die!!!
I'm sure you must be wondering what I could of learned from this? I gained strength....and I needed every ounce to annihilate my disease alone...and become as independent as I needed to be and face what lied ahead!
Then of course..there was Jarrett...my fiance whom died...in my home...the morning after Thanksgiving....
Although he still brings tears to my eyes....I learned from Jarrett the greatest lesson...He told me, "Never give your children up! You may not know it now, but they give you strength! If you lose them...you will regret it for the rest of your life!"
He told me this when my disease had taken a turn for the worse and I was considering of giving my children away. If I hadn't met him...I may have lost my children...whom are my heart...and my courage to have the stem cell transplant....
A few years later I had my stem cell transplant. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do! Not only did I spend 22 days as an inpatient by myself in Chicago, but I had to go through months of rigorous testing...to be admitted. If I wasn't prepared by every tragedy I was faced with prior to my stem cell transplant, I know I wouldn't have had the strength, courage, determination or will power to do it.
Even after my stem cell transplant, I still faced yet another mountain before me...trigeminal neuralgia. Trigeminal neuralgia is nicknamed, "The suicide pain." The medical committee considers it to be the most painful conditions in the world. I remember seeing countless doctors...from neurologists to pain management doctors....no one could help me. I spent as much time as I could withstand, reading about my condition and the options available to treat it. My option was simple...brain surgery. I read of all the risks associated with having the an operation preformed on my brain, but I didn't care. The pain was unbearable...and I came to understand its nickname because the thought crossed my mind. I remember seeing the neurosurgeons at Albany Medical Hospital and asking them to preform the surgery, which required drilling a hole into my head! The doctors refused because they were frightened by the risks associated with the surgery. I needed relief from the pain...which literally felt like a sledge hammer hit me in the left side of my face! I'm not exaggerating...the pain was truly that bad....I thought, the suffering and pain would never end.
I begged God to have mercy and to help me find a way...That's when I had read up on Gamma Knife. This surgery would have to be preformed by two neurosurgeons and a mathematician. I went to Syracuse, the nearest place which offered this treatment.
I had the Gamma Knife...and it worked!!!...I am pain free!!! Yay!!!
I decided to join my local YMCA and exercise my legs each day I could use them...and live life to the fullest. To enjoy each moment...every breath of air...every second of every day...to notice every minuscule thing about everything..the way light looks when the sun hits a leaf...the gradation of shadows..the rainbow of colors in every element of everything...the reactions in every facial expression...I see, hear, taste, and touch everyday of life to the fullest! I am grateful of tragedy I endured because it has made me a stronger, wiser, loving, grateful, unique, creative and mischievous.
I know how hard life can be! That just when you think things will be okay...they're not. When you are facing yet another problem or task to deal with...you need someone most, but they aren't there for you.
Take heart, find the courage within yourself...To defeat everyday... And do everything humanly possible to help yourself.
Don't look to others...Look within yourself! For its in your weakest darkest moment of your life you will find the brightest light of hope.
All you have to do is try...and never give up...because once you stop trying..you have failed.
I am living proof, of light, in the darkness...
When I was 16, I moved out of my parent's house because of the abuse I suffered. I moved in with my boyfriend, who became my husband when I was 18. I got married to appease my father because of our family heritage and our religious views. Shortly after I was married, I had my son, James. I considered giving him up for adoption because I felt like a child myself.
A year later, I fell out of a moving car (as I stated in an earlier post). I believe this was to prepare me for the pain I would endure in later years.
Shortly thereafter, I had my daughter Veronica, and once I again I thought of adoption. My husband wouldn't let me consider that option. He stated at the time, "You can't put her up for adoption, I won't allow that." I was forced once again to take care of another child, and I had a premonition my husband wouldn't be there in the future, helping me raise these children. You may ask, why was having these children so young important? I believe that now, I may be sterile from the stem cell transplant. Besides, even if I was to get pregnant now, it could initiate a relapse with the MS. I couldn't go back to that disease and I am happy to have my children!
I continued on with college and had to alter my degree course. Before I became pregnant, I wanted to go to college to be a psychiatrist. However, I knew that wouldn't be possible after the birth of my son. I changed my degree to psychology because I figured I would have less collegiate years. However, I still continued with my English degree as a second major. I never could give up my passion for writing, as you can see.
Shortly thereafter, I encountered blindness (as I stated in a prior post) and was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. After being diagnosed, I had to give up my business, my house, my money and learn to live a humble life. This prepared me, for the artist life I live now.
I was home more often after my diagnosis and I had the time to pay attention to what my husband was doing. I depended on him at this point to run my business because I was no longer able to. It was December, I was 22, my Christmas kiosk was in Barre, Vermont, and my husband was there so I could be home resting. However, I had a problem, the kiosk wasn't making any money as it did in prior years. I decided to drive out there, although I could barely walk, and see what the problem was. I learned Jimmy, (my husband), was cheating on me with several girls and the money was spent on wining and dining them! I couldn't believe it!!! When I needed him most....he was stabbing me, our children, our home in the back! Several months later, I filed for a divorce.
Not only did I lose wealth, but I got a divorce! How could a divorce be good? I know that if I never got sick, I would have never slowed my life down and could of never realized the animal I married. I was forced to evaluate my marriage and realize of its ill effects, on my children and I. I was too busy prior to my illness, to slow down and see the creep I married.
I felt alone, scared and isolated...and that's when I started dating a man, who date raped me! I still scream...and shudder inside at the very thought of this! It made me feel dirty, used, cheap, disgusting...and I wanted to crawl into a hole and die!!!
I'm sure you must be wondering what I could of learned from this? I gained strength....and I needed every ounce to annihilate my disease alone...and become as independent as I needed to be and face what lied ahead!
Then of course..there was Jarrett...my fiance whom died...in my home...the morning after Thanksgiving....
Although he still brings tears to my eyes....I learned from Jarrett the greatest lesson...He told me, "Never give your children up! You may not know it now, but they give you strength! If you lose them...you will regret it for the rest of your life!"
He told me this when my disease had taken a turn for the worse and I was considering of giving my children away. If I hadn't met him...I may have lost my children...whom are my heart...and my courage to have the stem cell transplant....
A few years later I had my stem cell transplant. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do! Not only did I spend 22 days as an inpatient by myself in Chicago, but I had to go through months of rigorous testing...to be admitted. If I wasn't prepared by every tragedy I was faced with prior to my stem cell transplant, I know I wouldn't have had the strength, courage, determination or will power to do it.
Even after my stem cell transplant, I still faced yet another mountain before me...trigeminal neuralgia. Trigeminal neuralgia is nicknamed, "The suicide pain." The medical committee considers it to be the most painful conditions in the world. I remember seeing countless doctors...from neurologists to pain management doctors....no one could help me. I spent as much time as I could withstand, reading about my condition and the options available to treat it. My option was simple...brain surgery. I read of all the risks associated with having the an operation preformed on my brain, but I didn't care. The pain was unbearable...and I came to understand its nickname because the thought crossed my mind. I remember seeing the neurosurgeons at Albany Medical Hospital and asking them to preform the surgery, which required drilling a hole into my head! The doctors refused because they were frightened by the risks associated with the surgery. I needed relief from the pain...which literally felt like a sledge hammer hit me in the left side of my face! I'm not exaggerating...the pain was truly that bad....I thought, the suffering and pain would never end.
I begged God to have mercy and to help me find a way...That's when I had read up on Gamma Knife. This surgery would have to be preformed by two neurosurgeons and a mathematician. I went to Syracuse, the nearest place which offered this treatment.
I had the Gamma Knife...and it worked!!!...I am pain free!!! Yay!!!
I decided to join my local YMCA and exercise my legs each day I could use them...and live life to the fullest. To enjoy each moment...every breath of air...every second of every day...to notice every minuscule thing about everything..the way light looks when the sun hits a leaf...the gradation of shadows..the rainbow of colors in every element of everything...the reactions in every facial expression...I see, hear, taste, and touch everyday of life to the fullest! I am grateful of tragedy I endured because it has made me a stronger, wiser, loving, grateful, unique, creative and mischievous.
I know how hard life can be! That just when you think things will be okay...they're not. When you are facing yet another problem or task to deal with...you need someone most, but they aren't there for you.
Take heart, find the courage within yourself...To defeat everyday... And do everything humanly possible to help yourself.
Don't look to others...Look within yourself! For its in your weakest darkest moment of your life you will find the brightest light of hope.
All you have to do is try...and never give up...because once you stop trying..you have failed.
I am living proof, of light, in the darkness...
I decided to join my local YMCA and exercise my legs each day I could use them...and live life to the fullest. To enjoy each moment...every breath of air...every second of every day...to notice every minuscule thing about everything..the way light looks when the sun hits leaf...the gradation of shadows..the rainbow of colors in every element of everything...the reactions in every facial expression...I see, hear, taste, and touch everyday of life to the fullest! I am grateful of tragedy I endured because it has made me a stronger, wiser, loving, grateful, unique, creative and mischievous.
ReplyDeleteHi Rosary, I have progressive MS and surfing came across your blog, read almost every one and there are all touching and insightful, thank you for sharing your personal thoughts and encouragement. Appreciated the investment you do each time you write a blog. Many hit and run but they are stronger after crossing your path and blog.
Thank you for your response. Each time I hear that I've touched someone's life with my story...it gives me the strength to continue writing because its difficult to share such intimate details of my life. I'm sorry to hear of your diagnosis, however, take heart! My words are true, I used to be so sick with MS, I thought my life was over. Now I rejoice each day...and I pray you will too.
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