Attempting Suicide

I was at Sake Cafe tonight and an old memory was triggered when I was talking to my boyfriend, Matthew...I began thinking of years I spent growing up, and the abuse I suffered at the hands of my uncle. I remember when I attempted suicide....

I awoke to my uncle coming in my room and waking me..."It's time to get up..." he said sternly.

"Uncle Bob can you get me my pain medication on the dresser, please?"

My uncle replied, his voice got louder, "No! Get up! Get it yourself!"

"Uncle Bob, I hurt, could you please give me my pills?"

My uncle shouted, "Didn't you hear me? No! Get up and get it yourself!"

He left the room and I went back to sleep. I was in agony from endometriosis, which is a female condition triggered by heavy menstruation. I suffered with this since I was 11 years old. My whole family knew of my medical condition, but was unsympathetic. I suffered with a heavy flow, extreme cramps, bad back pain, and frequent periods.

I was asleep when my uncle came back in, this time he was infuriated with me!

"Didn't you hear me? I said get up"

"I can't...I hurt..." I said in a lowly voice...

"If you don't get up...I will make you get up!"

He stomped over to my bed, grabbed the mattress by the handles, ripped the bed out from underneath me, and threw the mattress on the other side of my bedroom. He grabbed my little alarm clock/ cassette player and smashed it on the floor....this was the only source of music I owned...I freaked out...I loved the music in my life...

"Nooooooo......" I screamed, as I watched the my cassette player bounce and shatter onto the floor!

He then grabbed my shirt and threw me across the room and into my dresser. My body was heavy in pain...he grabbed my shirt again and jerked me towards him...and yelled, "Why don't you get up like everyone else in this house? What is wrong with you? Why are you so bad? Why can't you just listen?"

I mustered up the courage, "Why don't you pick on someone your own size?"

He took my hair in his hand and banged my head off my dresser...while saying...."Why can't you listen to me?"

I replied, "Why don't you care? What the fuck is wrong with you? Is this what your father did to your sister?"

I felt my head slam against my dresser...over and over and over again....I couldn't cry...instead I began to laugh....

My uncle threw my body to the ground and stormed out. I went over to my door and closed it...I felt no pain physically...but I could hear voices in my head screaming! I wanted it stop...I wanted my mental anguish to go away...I couldn't deal with all of the abuse and the pain, I suffered.

I grabbed my prescription on my dresser...popped open the bottle and threw the lid on the ground. I then knelt on my recliner and began to laugh violently...I shook the bottle of pills down my throat!!!!

I wanted to die! I wanted everything to end...I wanted the world to disappear and feel nothing....I wanted the voices in my head to stop screaming....

I picked up my mattress and put it back under my canopy bed, laid down and fell back asleep. I awoke to my mother..."What are you doing still sleeping? Get up!" She said in a sarcastic, pissy, snotty tone.

I began laughing violently..."I don't care...go away..."

"Go away? You've got school and your ride has left! Get up now..before you get expelled from school."

I chuckled at her voice, and closed my eyes....

All of the sudden I heard a deep voice within me say, "Do you want to commit suicide and burn in hell forever?"

I got up and yelled to my mother downstairs, "Mom I've got something I have to tell you...I need you help now. I've done something bad...."

My mother came up and I pointed to the bottle. She opened the bottle and realized most of the prescription, which she just got was almost gone. "Where did all these pills go...?"

I smirked and said, "I ate them...I'm sorry Mom. I wanted to die, but don't anymore..."

My mother got on the phone and called poison control. She came running back up the stairs frantically, and told me to get dressed because I have to go to the hospital.

Before I arrived at the hospital my mom told me to tell the doctors, I accidentally took too many pills because the pain was too bad because she said they could lock me up in the mental ward!

The doctors forced me to drink a cup off charcoal, which made me sick...I threw up.

Shortly thereafter, a psychiatrist came in and questioned me. I stuck to the story my mom told me...I was scared, felt stupid, and no longer wanted to die for the time being.

The hospital released me....

My mother drove me home...bitching and complaining...

At that point I remembered, why I felt like dying....

This story is based on true events, names of people and places have been changed to protect the people and places involved.