Let 'Your' Story be Heard

I had an artistic epiphany the other day after doing extensive reading . . .

I want to create a participatory artistic book, capable of growing over time as stories are sent to me by ANYONE willing to participate. I am not looking for anything in particular . . . only what you are willing to share. It may be long, a few sentences, poetic, a stream of consciousness, a story . . . what you write in particular doesn't matter, as long as it's from you and it's about an experience or feeling you are willing to share. The book will be hand-bound and hopefully shown in art exhibits over time, your name is not necessary if you are uncomfortable with that, though your initials would be appreciated, as well as your city/state. If however this still makes you uncomfortable you can always use a pen name. So this book will be authored by numerous people and I would love to have YOU added. You may submit as many stories as you'd like.

To complete an online anonymous submission form follow this link.

Unfortunately my experiences alone cannot bring about great change in our shared reality - that is why I need 'you' my readers to participate in this journey with me.

Without your participation this artistic book will not be possible. Please don't feel intimidated about the way you write, grammar, style, or anything else. It is your chance to have your experience/voice heard and shared by others, and with each new entry the collaborative work gains power to evoke empathy in others and allow change and interconnectedness to happen.

Email: cobalt.blue.rs@gmail.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/rosary.solimanto

Guidelines:
length - any
form - any
feelings - any
prohibited words - none
prohibited topics - none
story - any
name - what ever you are willing to share, ie; Elizabeth Smith, E. Smith, ES, anonymous or Jane Doe
- it must be about you
- and it will never be edited
- feel free to write it out by hand, scan the story and send it
- your email or personal information will never be shared

Thank you for your time and sharing your story.

Previous post: Artistic Statement

My Doctor Prescribed Dancing

Ever have those days where your legs feel like lead weights, your feet shuffle as you walk, and the pain you're experiencing makes it hard to concentrate . . . much less do anything else? Pain can cause your days to be dreadful, wishing you were in your bed, curled up in a fetal position grasping your blanket tightly as you drift in and out of sleep . . . For me it was one of those days. Makes me wonder if my dilapidated body should be shipped off to a glue factory where it could be of use (FYI - I'm only joking).

It's getting harder and harder for me to function these days because my red blood cell count is low. I know, I know what your thinking . . . eat steak or take iron, but it's not that easy. In a recent post I wrote about my current digestive issues which prevent me eating anything other than what the doctors' are permitting. Iron or red meat will only make my constipation worse.

I recently saw a naturopathic doctor, who couldn't really suggest anything for my condition and told me I'm doing everything he would already tell me to do. His practice involved reiki and he evaluated my energy, which revealed rage. I chuckled out loud when he said this because of how true that statement is. He went on further and said that he doesn't think it's a dangerous rage, but one that needs to be released. I then explained my disappointment in the MFA program at SUNY New Paltz because I am doing more reading and writing and not creating art like I'm used to. That my art is a cathartic process which involves a narrative story, but is produced in a passive-aggressive manner. He said "Well why can't you just create art? Aren't you in art school?" I explained that there are numerous academia based assignments always due and no time. That my time at school is constantly divided and I never can fall into my work because I would need to invest at least 5 hours at a time in order to do that. He responded, "You need to remedy that and find something else in the meantime to help release this energy inside of you."

He then recommended dancing, drumming or getting a trampoline to jump up and down on.

There's a part of me that thinks he's a quack, and then there's another part of me that also sees the energy within people and how much that affects their state of mind, and further . . . their body. I know he has a valid point.

And yet I still won't be able to carry out his prescription until next week when I finally have time because it's mid-terms and I have projects, papers and readings due . . .

trust me I'd rather be dancing . . .

Recent related post: The Iron Face

The Iron Face

I am almost half way through this semester . . . it has gone by way too fast. I have been forced to take numerous days off and stay inside because of the polar vortex and the lack of proper snow removal in Kingston. In between the insane weather conditions and dealing with the flu I have been constructing steel boots in the sculpture department. What I thought would be an ordinary task has been anything but that . . . because the departments at SUNY New Paltz are divided and we cannot use other tools, equipment, or ask other professors opinions outside of our department. This has left me in the dark, so to say, with forging steel boots with an oxy-acetylene torch, MIG, plasma cutter, needle nose, a vise, and a tool I fabricated. The process has been long and torturous. I began with half inch thick steel plates to create the sole of the boot, cutting it with an ancient plasma cutter (designed to cut steel 1/4 inch thick) into the approximate size I would need . . . this process took an entire day. I then welded the two pieces of half inch steel together, so the base of the boot would become one inch thick. At this point I decided I should make a prototype from paper mache to see how big I would want it, as well as the shape I desired.

I took the cardboard sole from the prototype and traced it onto the steel. I then began the most labor intensive part of the process, cutting the sole with equipment that couldn't get through the one inch thick steel. After spending a grueling 12 hours on cutting out the soles I was tempted to give up. My body ached, I was filthy, it looked like shit, and I began to wonder if I could even manage to create this piece with the equipment available.

To add to this conundrum, my left leg went numb, my stomach has been bloated and tender and my digestive track wasn't working. Every night I came home from school I have been researching possible causes and solutions to my digestive issue, as well as ordering herbs looking for a natural remedy. I was frightened my multiple sclerosis was on the verge of flaring up and I was entering a relapse because of the neuropathy!

Over the course of two months, I have changed my diet multiple times, tried cleanses, tonics, herbs, liquid diets and fasting . . . everything has only provided temporary relief and has not resolved the problem. I began feeling malnourished, exhausted and realized I needed outside expertise to resolve my medical condition.

My passive aggressive default nature presented itself and I began fighting my problems from all different fronts . . .

I scheduled an appointment with doctor who I saw today.

I then decided to ask the tech (Steve who fixes the equipment in our department) if he had any ideas as to how I could cut the soles of the boots other than the methods I was using. He saw what was happening with the plasma cutter . . . it would begin cutting into the metal, turn into liquid and re-attach itself back onto the metal I was cutting causing ragged edges. He changed the blade on the band saw . . . and . . . voila . . . problem resolved! The cutting began going smoother, less labor intensive, still slow but much more smooth . . . I hugged him I was so grateful.

This week I have almost finished the toe section of the boots, which is the second hardest task in the creation of this art piece. I am finally feeling I can conquer this bitch of an art project and I am getting excited.

I am also happy to report that my leg today has become less numb (hooray) and the feeling is returning.

BUT

my digestive system is still malfunctioning. The doctor has ordered numerous tests and is conferring with the new doctor at his practice - an herbal MD. Unfortunately some of the news they broke to me today has revealed I may have yet another medical condition. Depending on the results of the tests they are performing they will let me know if they think it's necessary I receive a colonoscopy to see if I have diverticulitis or crohn's disease.

When I left the office tears were pooling into my eyes and I could barely breath . . . my hands were trembling and my feet fell numb. I wanted to scream, cry, call someone up, but instead I got into my car and drove away fighting the tears back as I drove home.

I said to myself, "Come on, your stronger than this, you can get through this, there's always alternatives, herbs and remedies . . . this is just another obstacle to overcome and grow from, just don't give up . . . don't give in."

It has been several hours since the doctor's visit and I feel unable to describe my emotions because I am so use to putting on an 'iron face' and revealing no emotion because I don't want to appear depressed or bring other people around me down . . . because I am the woman of steel who surpasses all obstacles and besides I have God and with Him all things are possible.

Below are photos of the steel boots in progress

Previous related post: Artist Statement

Previous post: How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

Resolve your Progesterone Problem Naturally

I haven't posted in a while about progesterone, but I should have because I have finally resolved my my hormonal imbalance.

How?

Simple.

First I cut out estrogen producing foods such as: vegetable oil, margarine, canola oil, soy (all types), flax seeds and oil (have the potential for increasing estrogen). I won't even use foods if they contain less than 1% of soy.

Secondly, I found an herb that only increases progesterone without messing with your other hormones. It's called chasteberry. Every other natural remedy I used changed my other hormones, particularly by raising my estrogen. My system was flooded with estrogen before I discovered this remedy and I was nearly hemorrhaging when I menstruated.

The slightly frustrating thing with chasteberry is that it's trial and error with how much to use. Here's a site which discusses when your progesterone levels are at it lowest and highest, you will need to adjust how much you take according to your cycle. Obviously if you miss your period, you need to taper off the chasteberry and if your still bleeding bad you will likely have to increase your dosage.

I can't recommend this herb enough...

it really works and has resolved my hormonal issues.

I only had to take it for several months because it resolved my progesterone problems.

Part II - Human versus Pain

The nurse came in and attempted to put an IV in, but she couldn't manage to hit the vein because it rolled . . . I tried warning her about the vein she was attempting. She left the room and another nurse entered - I figured here's the person they call when there's difficulty. . . yes . . . finally some pain relief.

I couldn't believe it, I was happy I was going to find relief through drugs. I consoled myself with the thought, when I left the hospital I would find a way to get a handle on the pain naturally, this was just a minor set back.

My nurse came back in with the meds in hand, and pushed the morphine in . . .

Whoosh - a warm sensation fell over my entire my body like an avalanche. I closed my eyes and thanked God my partner forced me here and could find some relief almost instantly. I opened my eyes and watched as she she pushed the valium in . . .

I felt the tension in my neck muscles relax rapidly, all of my anxieties disappeared, as well as my mind. I began having trouble thinking. There was a time delay from what I was thinking to what I could comprehend. This is when I remembered what I hated so much about pain medication - I couldn't think.

About 15 minutes rolled by as I slipped in and out of sleep and reality, and my hand finally stopped squeezing the muscle that was tightened. I could finally adjust my neck so my face wasn't shoved into the bed . . . the pain was finally bearable and my mind was gone.

The doctor came back in and ordered a CAT scan of my neck to see what was going on in there. I'm not sure how long it was before I was transported to imaging because I couldn't evaluate the lapse of time.

The lady in imaging was kind, quick and tried not to make me anymore uncomfortable then I already was.

I was back in my room before I knew it and continued to roll in and out of consciousness until the doctor reappeared.

"Your CAT scan revealed a bulged a disc at c4 and c5. I am referring you over to neurosurgeon. Did you have one in particular you want to see?"

I replied, "I don't want a neurosurgeon - they are a surgeon and get paid to operate. No one is cutting me open."

"What about an orthopedic?"

"Do you mean an orthopedic surgeon? They're the same as a neurosurgeon. Do you have an any other suggestions other then surgeons? How about an osteopath? I've heard they practice natural medicine. I need options and alternatives and am open to any other suggestions, other than surgeons."

The doctor left the room, but returned quite quickly with another doctor. "I'd like to introduce Dr. Triplett, an osteopath."

I smiled and felt relieved - I talked with Dr. Triplett about his practice and what he does, soft tissue manipulation. I explained my personal view on medication and explained how I prefer to do things naturally and that I hadn't opted to come here, but rather my body forced it upon me.

At times I have been faced with excrutiating pain such as this occurance. Are there any clear cut options and alternatives when it comes to emergencies? I'd be more than happy to hear of other people's thoughts and views as to how we can deal with pain - emergency or not.

It's important to weigh all of the options, listen to other people and their stories of how they overcame pain - emergency or non emergency pain - it's all the same. It's about we handle our day to day lives struggling, living and feeling exhausted from dealing with any type of affliction.

Unfortunately the pain medication I left the hospital with rendered it impossible for me to do any of my graduate course work. I couldn't read, comprehend, write, or make anything. I went off the medication early and switched to ibuprofen, went back to my crazy tea concoction and set up an appointment with the osteopath.

The other day I had my first soft tissue manipulation by an osteopath . . . the mobility in my neck has improved, the tightening of muscles has lessened. I have been working on the stretches she gave me and have been resting (this is hard for me to do because I have so much to do between graduate school, dog, kids, and partner). I had to let things fall behind, and am attempting not to stress out and just do the best I can do.

That's it . . . just doing the best I can everyday, with what I have to work with. Always looking for alternatives, and working to the best of my ability with all of my obstacles I have to deal with, but I will never give up.

I will keep on trying . . .

Part I to this post: The Battle: Human versus Pain

The Battle: Human versus Pain

Suffering with pain - never an easy feat. Every morning waking and feeling discomfort, and as the day progresses feeling the pain increase and intensify. Everybody's pain is different, from mental, physical and/ or spiritual. For those people like myself, who have been diagnosed with an illness, pain becomes a shadow that follows us even into darkness.

How do we deal with pain? Where do we find comfort and relief? What options do we have and which do we decide on using?

Thursday last week I left school early because I was in a tremendous amount of pain. When I would step I could feel electricity shoot down through my legs, my shoulder was burning and my neck was killing me. I felt completely worn out and needed to go home and lay down (I never take a break I usually push through pain and get through the day).

I came home, completely bummed out that I couldn't finish my class or complete my work I needed to get done. I went directly to the couch and laid down, exhausted and in agony. I begged my partner to get me a contour pillow at the store, remembering when I had owned one years ago it helped with neck pain. I was laying on the sofa but couldn't go to sleep - all I could do was complain and rant . . . I was a miserable wretch, the pain was intensifying.

I got my pillow, drank several cups of anti-inflammatory/ anti-stress/ detoxifying herbal tea (a concoction of marshmallow root, holy basil, ashwagandha, cayenne, turmeric, chlorella,  ginger, skull cap, burdock root and nettle leaf), applied a liberal amount comfrey balm, laid down on my new contour pillow and prayed I'd find relief and fall asleep.

A couple of hours went by and I was still awake! I was completely frustrated - I decided to take 10mg of melatonin, huperzine-A and ZMA - and knock myself out.

I awoke, sat up and began putting on gym clothes (as I always do first thing in the morning) and I could feel the pain tightening in my left shoulder and neck again. So I flexed my shoulder blades back together and felt a crack, then tilted my head to the right to crack my neck . . . .

POP

That was it, I fell back down on the bed, with my gym pants wrapped around my ankles, screaming in agony. . . .

H E L P !

My partner awoke suddenly and came rushing over, "Oh my gosh . . . what happened? What's wrong?"

I screamed, "My neck, my neck, my fucking neck!"

"What should I do?"

"I don't know. Does it look like I know? Just help. . . please help. . . " I was pleading, yelping and tears were streaming down my face.

He didn't know if he should move me, he was worried I would get injured more. "Should I call an ambulance?"

I replied loud and afraid, "Yes. No...I don't know. I don't want an ambulance. . . it's so embarrassing,"

"I really don't want to move you! I'm calling an ambulance. You have to go to the hospital."

I kinda felt relieved he was forcing this upon me - I didn't want him to lift me - I was afraid of my neck moving, but I was too strong to fully admit I needed an ambulance.

The paramedic arrived and moved quickly trying to figure out the best way to move me. They were scared of putting me in a collar, or moving my head because I seemed to have found a position with my head crooked into the bed, with my hand squeezing into my trapezius where I found some relief.

They asked me if I had any allergies - I began listing them off one by one (saying about 6 of them and having trouble remembering all of them) and they were afraid of administering anything to me.

I was carried out by 2 men, on plastic orange blanket of some sort, placed in the ambulance and driven to the Kingston Hospital.

I was met by a doctor as soon as I was pushed off onto the bed. I was met by the usual questions, what's your name, what happened, what medications are you on, what are you allergic to and what's your medical history. Unfortunately, my medical history is long and my list of allergies is extensive.

"I have multiple sclerosis, had a stem cell transplant, trigeminal neuralgia, 2 brain surgeries for the trigeminal, 3 left knee surgeries, gall bladder surgery,  hypopituitarism/ hypothyroid, 2 c-sections, and 2 pertruding discs in my lower back." Unfortunately when I prattled off my history I was interrupted by a look of shock and was asked to repeat it slower so he could write it all down.

We went into my anaphylaxic reaction to pain medications and he became worried about administering anything to me. I said, "I use to get prescribed morphine, hydrocodone and valium . . . and didn't have reactions to those meds."

"Okay, so let get an IV into you and get you some morphine and valium."

I felt relieved, anxious and defeated. How am I giving into prescription pain medication again? Do I even have a choice? I don't even take OTC pain relievers and now I'm gonna do this?! I began to shake, felt very confused and a flood of memories came rushing in . . . of being hospitalized, not being able to walk or barely move,  the pain from multiple sclerosis and feeling forced to take powerful drugs to find relief. I know what these drugs do to your system, from gastrointestinal problems, slowed heart rate, lower blood pressure, building of toxins in my liver and blood . . .

I really didn't want all I had worked up to, believed in and fight for everyday to be crushed. I lived a healthy, holistic lifestyle . . .  and now what does this make me?

Continue the story here: Part II - Human versus Pain

Links to some of my other blog posts:
Emotional Wildfire 
How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

Thoughts

There are days like today where I feel like I'm falling part...I envision myself as an old handmade porcelain doll, peeling, cracking, and withering away. When does my day end? When does it begin? Do I ever accomplish enough? Could I have done more? Could I have done better?
I've often wonder how I've come so far and wonder when am I going to fall apart?
I feel tension and pressure rising. . I haven't done enough on my sculpture;
I've handed in my midterm a day late;
My children want to be near their friends and not me;
My boyfriend waits for me to freak out;
All I want to do is yell, holler and scream...freak the fuck out;
Or do I breath, yawn, have a drink and chill the fuck out?
I look in the mirror and I see every wrinkle, every freckle, every grey hair, every once of fat;
I put some make up in hopes of revealing beauty, but all I see is a frail little girl ready to fall, break and shatter into a thousand pieces. . .
                                                  of nothing.
I'm suppose to be the "woman of steel," the unbreakable, strong, independent woman, who can conquer anything.
What am I?
Who am I?
Will I stop thinking of myself as full of flaws?
Am I ever going to realize, that I am today?
I am not my past, my mistakes, my sadness, or gloom that puts my thoughts where they are now:
I think back to my to all of my different life times I have experienced, from the business women to the drug addict, to the anorexic, to the depressed lonely little girl, the wife, the victim, the sick frail girl waiting to die, to the fat slob, the mother, the student, the artist, the painter, the sculptress the writer. . .
What am I?
What am going to do with tomorrow?
Will I decide to embrace what's around me at the time or will I get up and create, fight and struggle through creating my hopes and dreams in spite of fear?
What do I fear (besides God)?
I fear not walking, not running, being in pain, not seeing, being in a hospital, not being capable of pursuing my dreams, not painting, not writing, not being able to think clearly, living life, feeling the wind on my face, the pavement beneath my feet, and the rain on my skin.
I am not perfect, I am full flaws, full of sadness, full of desire, stitched, glued, taped and put back together in all sorts of wrong. I don't know who I am, or what I'm going to be or what I will conquer tomorrow, but I will start now, here, where I write and remember how I feel.
Every emotion, every bit of pain, every once of sorrow. . .I grieve, but I breath, and I remember there's still now, there's still today.
I will smile and live!
And I will have a glass of wine . . .

A previous post of mine, Inspiration