Holiday Illness

Ever notice how many people on or near the Holidays become ill? Is this a coincidence? I think not!

I believe the lack of vitamin D (from less daylight) and the foods we consume in the Winter and on Holidays are the culprit. We think we can have a piece of pie knowing it's an allergen or harmful (especially to people with an illness) and yet we eat it anyway because we don't want to insult the host and/or because we think, "One piece can't hurt."

The Holidays often bring about the thoughts of yummy foods and we want to eat what every one else is enjoying.

This notion is false. When we eat foods we aren't suppose to or consume too much sugar it's toxic to our bodies. Heck any sugar is toxic and causes inflammation - even in a healthy body.

How do we remedy this?

First deal with the inflammation - drink water with lemon (simple and most affordable way to treat inflammation).

Secondly the sugar causes an overgrowth of candida in our system. To treat this consume black walnut hulls (found at a vitamin store) and take grapefruit seed extract.

To speed the process of removing the candida overgrowth and reducing inflammation hit the gym, exercise, do yoga, stretch, walk and get your heart rate up (in addition take a vitamin D supplement or get sunlight).

Your mind will become more clear after removing the candida overgrowth and pain will subside after treating inflammation.

Next Holiday season offer to bring a dessert and or dishes that are healthier for you to consume to avoid this problem. 

Rant about the world

I don't know what bothers me more - the unseen pain and torture people face with disease or watching ppl innocently eat and live in society until they are diseased. How doesn't our society know what foods are poisonous and should be avoided? Or do we know and boldly eat and welcome the circumstances (thinking this won't happen to me). As a victim of such tragedy in the US I hate it - though I question would I have stopped if I never became ill? I notify my family of such chronic conditions and possible injuries which could plague their bodies from such toxic foods but they laugh off my knowledge even when I show them logical information proving I am right.

How loud should I scream, what must I say, how do I prove the pain behind what lies behind the pharmacist counters, on our grocery shelves and in our vitamin stores? Why don't we question where things come from? Why are we becoming sick and why are there no cures, yet there's a new iPhone ready for purchase before 2 years?

Things like aloe, medical marijuana, rain water, raw milk, etc. are illegal in our country? Why? What are they trying to stop us from doing? Naturally curing ourselves with our unwanted side effects? Should we seek out a medical professional for testing, drugs and advice? What does this provide? Round about ideas to help soothe our minds including antidepressants therapists and pain relievers yet no cure. I too fell victim to this state.

BUT I AM NOW AWAKE

The more studies I read the more I become confused - I always listen to my body (my one true doctor for advice).

There are numerous atrocities in the world but why does this one bother me more than anything else? Because I suffered for years and followed Eastern medicine and was a prisoner in my own home, a prisoner to drugs the doctors and their teachings and so are numerous of others like me. Who would think that by going to a doctor would I be tortured?

Who is to blame for all of this?

Is it not I? Or we? And why do we still ignore what we know or do we not know or do we not believe? Why aren't those who know acting - or are they - but no one is listening?

Look at my body (my scars can't lie), my medical records, my documented list of 14 daily medications I use to take and the stem cell transplant I went through.

Nothing helped me more than stopping the medications, not seeing the doctors, seeking out alternative remedies, remaining positive and staying physically active.

Krypotonite

We all have a host of insecurities, some people will announce them out right while others try to prove strongest where they are weakest.

I hit the gym everyday to hide my insecurities: I have multiple sclerosis, which will eventually cause my body and mind to become weak and not be able to move, and  I have a low self esteem due to body image. Regardless of how many times I go to the gym, how hard I workout, or how good I feel now, my insecurities never seem to leave - in fact they run rampant through my mind when I am idle.

Most people who look at me can't see my invisible diseases and my host of medical issues, and would think I look healthy and fine. On the inside I am weak and frail and my kryptonite is fear.

Don't be fooled because I come across as confident in my intelligence (which I also fear will die because of the MS) because I am truly a little lamb behind my grizzly bear exterior, and my fears plague my thoughts, hiding in the dark shadows of my mind.

What do I fear? I fear food, social parties (because I am suppose to eat or drink), chemicals, becoming ill, losing my mind, not walking, losing my kids and not being able to make art or write.

These days I speak in silence to myself to scared to speak or share some of my thoughts out loud because I fear others will think I'm insane. Instead I keep most ideas to myself...hoping tomorrow will be the day I will share them.

I speak honestly in hopes others will not fear me knowing I wish only to help, but instead some people read my blunt honest nature as a facade and wonder what I am hiding. The only thing I hide is my extra skin under my clothes, stretch marks, and scars from numerous surgeries.


I am weak, yet strong.
Outgoing, yet fearful.
Energetic, yet in pain.
Alone, yet fulfilled.
Happy, yet hurt.



And I am now here with you
and you are here in my thoughts
As you read them
know we are connected.
I long to hear you
   please speak.
Become my thoughts
and overshadow my fears.

A Rant

How can something be love when people place conditions on circumstances? When things get difficult people seem to to run away without looking back to save them self without caring for another. Am I not here? Am I not human? Does my medical malady offend you? Is it my fault I couldn't contain my anxiety and suffering...that I was imperfect? That science ruined my mind and body and I am paying the pied piper. How is it that this is so? How can we feel for one situation and not for another? Does my pain make you uncomfortable? Because I don't wear my pain outwardly do you believe me? Because I don't cry or scream can you not hear me? Why is it because I suffer in silence am I any different?

And now I cry...

yet you cannot see my tears

they fall from my from heart like crimson colored hail

my silence it screams

like a rabbit drowning in water

yet you cannot hear it

I tremble

like a volcano erupting

yet you cannot feel it

Because I look normal.

When do people see another? When do they decide that they've suffered enough? Or do they even see it...can they see it? What makes another indifferent - is it their unusual strength, their bold outlook, their lack of normalcy.

Unfortunately and fortunately I am an anomaly - I am not only genetically unique but my perception or outlook on life and society is against what most people believe in or do.

Just by being me - makes me different, yet I am the same. I am connected to everyone and everything...so why do I feel so alone in a sea of people? I am trapped in a society who has yet to awaken and see that they are a part of everyone and everything. That I am no different then you...but yet I am different. How can that make sense? Because you can feel everything I can feel if you allow yourself to open up and feel pain.

But I'm sure you wouldn't want to feel my pain - and yet I want to know your pain...I want to know how you suffer in silence. Do you feel like you are heard? Do you feel like everything you do is for nothing because tomorrow you are going to get back up and do the same thing today all over again tomorrow?

We all wonder when our monotonous pain will end...but some fear of their pain increasing ... like myself.

Normal Crimson Colored Hail

And now I cry...

yet you cannot see my tears

they fall from my from heart like crimson colored hail

my silence it screams

like a rabbit drowning in water

yet you cannot hear it

I tremble

like a volcano erupting

yet you cannot feel it

Because I look normal.

Let 'Your' Story be Heard

I had an artistic epiphany the other day after doing extensive reading . . .

I want to create a participatory artistic book, capable of growing over time as stories are sent to me by ANYONE willing to participate. I am not looking for anything in particular . . . only what you are willing to share. It may be long, a few sentences, poetic, a stream of consciousness, a story . . . what you write in particular doesn't matter, as long as it's from you and it's about an experience or feeling you are willing to share. The book will be hand-bound and hopefully shown in art exhibits over time, your name is not necessary if you are uncomfortable with that, though your initials would be appreciated, as well as your city/state. If however this still makes you uncomfortable you can always use a pen name. So this book will be authored by numerous people and I would love to have YOU added. You may submit as many stories as you'd like.

To complete an online anonymous submission form follow this link.

Unfortunately my experiences alone cannot bring about great change in our shared reality - that is why I need 'you' my readers to participate in this journey with me.

Without your participation this artistic book will not be possible. Please don't feel intimidated about the way you write, grammar, style, or anything else. It is your chance to have your experience/voice heard and shared by others, and with each new entry the collaborative work gains power to evoke empathy in others and allow change and interconnectedness to happen.

Email: cobalt.blue.rs@gmail.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/rosary.solimanto

Guidelines:
length - any
form - any
feelings - any
prohibited words - none
prohibited topics - none
story - any
name - what ever you are willing to share, ie; Elizabeth Smith, E. Smith, ES, anonymous or Jane Doe
- it must be about you
- and it will never be edited
- feel free to write it out by hand, scan the story and send it
- your email or personal information will never be shared

Thank you for your time and sharing your story.

Previous post: Artistic Statement

My Doctor Prescribed Dancing

Ever have those days where your legs feel like lead weights, your feet shuffle as you walk, and the pain you're experiencing makes it hard to concentrate . . . much less do anything else? Pain can cause your days to be dreadful, wishing you were in your bed, curled up in a fetal position grasping your blanket tightly as you drift in and out of sleep . . . For me it was one of those days. Makes me wonder if my dilapidated body should be shipped off to a glue factory where it could be of use (FYI - I'm only joking).

It's getting harder and harder for me to function these days because my red blood cell count is low. I know, I know what your thinking . . . eat steak or take iron, but it's not that easy. In a recent post I wrote about my current digestive issues which prevent me eating anything other than what the doctors' are permitting. Iron or red meat will only make my constipation worse.

I recently saw a naturopathic doctor, who couldn't really suggest anything for my condition and told me I'm doing everything he would already tell me to do. His practice involved reiki and he evaluated my energy, which revealed rage. I chuckled out loud when he said this because of how true that statement is. He went on further and said that he doesn't think it's a dangerous rage, but one that needs to be released. I then explained my disappointment in the MFA program at SUNY New Paltz because I am doing more reading and writing and not creating art like I'm used to. That my art is a cathartic process which involves a narrative story, but is produced in a passive-aggressive manner. He said "Well why can't you just create art? Aren't you in art school?" I explained that there are numerous academia based assignments always due and no time. That my time at school is constantly divided and I never can fall into my work because I would need to invest at least 5 hours at a time in order to do that. He responded, "You need to remedy that and find something else in the meantime to help release this energy inside of you."

He then recommended dancing, drumming or getting a trampoline to jump up and down on.

There's a part of me that thinks he's a quack, and then there's another part of me that also sees the energy within people and how much that affects their state of mind, and further . . . their body. I know he has a valid point.

And yet I still won't be able to carry out his prescription until next week when I finally have time because it's mid-terms and I have projects, papers and readings due . . .

trust me I'd rather be dancing . . .

Recent related post: The Iron Face

The Iron Face

I am almost half way through this semester . . . it has gone by way too fast. I have been forced to take numerous days off and stay inside because of the polar vortex and the lack of proper snow removal in Kingston. In between the insane weather conditions and dealing with the flu I have been constructing steel boots in the sculpture department. What I thought would be an ordinary task has been anything but that . . . because the departments at SUNY New Paltz are divided and we cannot use other tools, equipment, or ask other professors opinions outside of our department. This has left me in the dark, so to say, with forging steel boots with an oxy-acetylene torch, MIG, plasma cutter, needle nose, a vise, and a tool I fabricated. The process has been long and torturous. I began with half inch thick steel plates to create the sole of the boot, cutting it with an ancient plasma cutter (designed to cut steel 1/4 inch thick) into the approximate size I would need . . . this process took an entire day. I then welded the two pieces of half inch steel together, so the base of the boot would become one inch thick. At this point I decided I should make a prototype from paper mache to see how big I would want it, as well as the shape I desired.

I took the cardboard sole from the prototype and traced it onto the steel. I then began the most labor intensive part of the process, cutting the sole with equipment that couldn't get through the one inch thick steel. After spending a grueling 12 hours on cutting out the soles I was tempted to give up. My body ached, I was filthy, it looked like shit, and I began to wonder if I could even manage to create this piece with the equipment available.

To add to this conundrum, my left leg went numb, my stomach has been bloated and tender and my digestive track wasn't working. Every night I came home from school I have been researching possible causes and solutions to my digestive issue, as well as ordering herbs looking for a natural remedy. I was frightened my multiple sclerosis was on the verge of flaring up and I was entering a relapse because of the neuropathy!

Over the course of two months, I have changed my diet multiple times, tried cleanses, tonics, herbs, liquid diets and fasting . . . everything has only provided temporary relief and has not resolved the problem. I began feeling malnourished, exhausted and realized I needed outside expertise to resolve my medical condition.

My passive aggressive default nature presented itself and I began fighting my problems from all different fronts . . .

I scheduled an appointment with doctor who I saw today.

I then decided to ask the tech (Steve who fixes the equipment in our department) if he had any ideas as to how I could cut the soles of the boots other than the methods I was using. He saw what was happening with the plasma cutter . . . it would begin cutting into the metal, turn into liquid and re-attach itself back onto the metal I was cutting causing ragged edges. He changed the blade on the band saw . . . and . . . voila . . . problem resolved! The cutting began going smoother, less labor intensive, still slow but much more smooth . . . I hugged him I was so grateful.

This week I have almost finished the toe section of the boots, which is the second hardest task in the creation of this art piece. I am finally feeling I can conquer this bitch of an art project and I am getting excited.

I am also happy to report that my leg today has become less numb (hooray) and the feeling is returning.

BUT

my digestive system is still malfunctioning. The doctor has ordered numerous tests and is conferring with the new doctor at his practice - an herbal MD. Unfortunately some of the news they broke to me today has revealed I may have yet another medical condition. Depending on the results of the tests they are performing they will let me know if they think it's necessary I receive a colonoscopy to see if I have diverticulitis or crohn's disease.

When I left the office tears were pooling into my eyes and I could barely breath . . . my hands were trembling and my feet fell numb. I wanted to scream, cry, call someone up, but instead I got into my car and drove away fighting the tears back as I drove home.

I said to myself, "Come on, your stronger than this, you can get through this, there's always alternatives, herbs and remedies . . . this is just another obstacle to overcome and grow from, just don't give up . . . don't give in."

It has been several hours since the doctor's visit and I feel unable to describe my emotions because I am so use to putting on an 'iron face' and revealing no emotion because I don't want to appear depressed or bring other people around me down . . . because I am the woman of steel who surpasses all obstacles and besides I have God and with Him all things are possible.

Below are photos of the steel boots in progress

Previous related post: Artist Statement

Previous post: How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

Resolve your Progesterone Problem Naturally

I haven't posted in a while about progesterone, but I should have because I have finally resolved my my hormonal imbalance.

How?

Simple.

First I cut out estrogen producing foods such as: vegetable oil, margarine, canola oil, soy (all types), flax seeds and oil (have the potential for increasing estrogen). I won't even use foods if they contain less than 1% of soy.

Secondly, I found an herb that only increases progesterone without messing with your other hormones. It's called chasteberry. Every other natural remedy I used changed my other hormones, particularly by raising my estrogen. My system was flooded with estrogen before I discovered this remedy and I was nearly hemorrhaging when I menstruated.

The slightly frustrating thing with chasteberry is that it's trial and error with how much to use. Here's a site which discusses when your progesterone levels are at it lowest and highest, you will need to adjust how much you take according to your cycle. Obviously if you miss your period, you need to taper off the chasteberry and if your still bleeding bad you will likely have to increase your dosage.

I can't recommend this herb enough...

it really works and has resolved my hormonal issues.

I only had to take it for several months because it resolved my progesterone problems.

Part II - Human versus Pain

The nurse came in and attempted to put an IV in, but she couldn't manage to hit the vein because it rolled . . . I tried warning her about the vein she was attempting. She left the room and another nurse entered - I figured here's the person they call when there's difficulty. . . yes . . . finally some pain relief.

I couldn't believe it, I was happy I was going to find relief through drugs. I consoled myself with the thought, when I left the hospital I would find a way to get a handle on the pain naturally, this was just a minor set back.

My nurse came back in with the meds in hand, and pushed the morphine in . . .

Whoosh - a warm sensation fell over my entire my body like an avalanche. I closed my eyes and thanked God my partner forced me here and could find some relief almost instantly. I opened my eyes and watched as she she pushed the valium in . . .

I felt the tension in my neck muscles relax rapidly, all of my anxieties disappeared, as well as my mind. I began having trouble thinking. There was a time delay from what I was thinking to what I could comprehend. This is when I remembered what I hated so much about pain medication - I couldn't think.

About 15 minutes rolled by as I slipped in and out of sleep and reality, and my hand finally stopped squeezing the muscle that was tightened. I could finally adjust my neck so my face wasn't shoved into the bed . . . the pain was finally bearable and my mind was gone.

The doctor came back in and ordered a CAT scan of my neck to see what was going on in there. I'm not sure how long it was before I was transported to imaging because I couldn't evaluate the lapse of time.

The lady in imaging was kind, quick and tried not to make me anymore uncomfortable then I already was.

I was back in my room before I knew it and continued to roll in and out of consciousness until the doctor reappeared.

"Your CAT scan revealed a bulged a disc at c4 and c5. I am referring you over to neurosurgeon. Did you have one in particular you want to see?"

I replied, "I don't want a neurosurgeon - they are a surgeon and get paid to operate. No one is cutting me open."

"What about an orthopedic?"

"Do you mean an orthopedic surgeon? They're the same as a neurosurgeon. Do you have an any other suggestions other then surgeons? How about an osteopath? I've heard they practice natural medicine. I need options and alternatives and am open to any other suggestions, other than surgeons."

The doctor left the room, but returned quite quickly with another doctor. "I'd like to introduce Dr. Triplett, an osteopath."

I smiled and felt relieved - I talked with Dr. Triplett about his practice and what he does, soft tissue manipulation. I explained my personal view on medication and explained how I prefer to do things naturally and that I hadn't opted to come here, but rather my body forced it upon me.

At times I have been faced with excrutiating pain such as this occurance. Are there any clear cut options and alternatives when it comes to emergencies? I'd be more than happy to hear of other people's thoughts and views as to how we can deal with pain - emergency or not.

It's important to weigh all of the options, listen to other people and their stories of how they overcame pain - emergency or non emergency pain - it's all the same. It's about we handle our day to day lives struggling, living and feeling exhausted from dealing with any type of affliction.

Unfortunately the pain medication I left the hospital with rendered it impossible for me to do any of my graduate course work. I couldn't read, comprehend, write, or make anything. I went off the medication early and switched to ibuprofen, went back to my crazy tea concoction and set up an appointment with the osteopath.

The other day I had my first soft tissue manipulation by an osteopath . . . the mobility in my neck has improved, the tightening of muscles has lessened. I have been working on the stretches she gave me and have been resting (this is hard for me to do because I have so much to do between graduate school, dog, kids, and partner). I had to let things fall behind, and am attempting not to stress out and just do the best I can do.

That's it . . . just doing the best I can everyday, with what I have to work with. Always looking for alternatives, and working to the best of my ability with all of my obstacles I have to deal with, but I will never give up.

I will keep on trying . . .

Part I to this post: The Battle: Human versus Pain

The Battle: Human versus Pain

Suffering with pain - never an easy feat. Every morning waking and feeling discomfort, and as the day progresses feeling the pain increase and intensify. Everybody's pain is different, from mental, physical and/ or spiritual. For those people like myself, who have been diagnosed with an illness, pain becomes a shadow that follows us even into darkness.

How do we deal with pain? Where do we find comfort and relief? What options do we have and which do we decide on using?

Thursday last week I left school early because I was in a tremendous amount of pain. When I would step I could feel electricity shoot down through my legs, my shoulder was burning and my neck was killing me. I felt completely worn out and needed to go home and lay down (I never take a break I usually push through pain and get through the day).

I came home, completely bummed out that I couldn't finish my class or complete my work I needed to get done. I went directly to the couch and laid down, exhausted and in agony. I begged my partner to get me a contour pillow at the store, remembering when I had owned one years ago it helped with neck pain. I was laying on the sofa but couldn't go to sleep - all I could do was complain and rant . . . I was a miserable wretch, the pain was intensifying.

I got my pillow, drank several cups of anti-inflammatory/ anti-stress/ detoxifying herbal tea (a concoction of marshmallow root, holy basil, ashwagandha, cayenne, turmeric, chlorella,  ginger, skull cap, burdock root and nettle leaf), applied a liberal amount comfrey balm, laid down on my new contour pillow and prayed I'd find relief and fall asleep.

A couple of hours went by and I was still awake! I was completely frustrated - I decided to take 10mg of melatonin, huperzine-A and ZMA - and knock myself out.

I awoke, sat up and began putting on gym clothes (as I always do first thing in the morning) and I could feel the pain tightening in my left shoulder and neck again. So I flexed my shoulder blades back together and felt a crack, then tilted my head to the right to crack my neck . . . .

POP

That was it, I fell back down on the bed, with my gym pants wrapped around my ankles, screaming in agony. . . .

H E L P !

My partner awoke suddenly and came rushing over, "Oh my gosh . . . what happened? What's wrong?"

I screamed, "My neck, my neck, my fucking neck!"

"What should I do?"

"I don't know. Does it look like I know? Just help. . . please help. . . " I was pleading, yelping and tears were streaming down my face.

He didn't know if he should move me, he was worried I would get injured more. "Should I call an ambulance?"

I replied loud and afraid, "Yes. No...I don't know. I don't want an ambulance. . . it's so embarrassing,"

"I really don't want to move you! I'm calling an ambulance. You have to go to the hospital."

I kinda felt relieved he was forcing this upon me - I didn't want him to lift me - I was afraid of my neck moving, but I was too strong to fully admit I needed an ambulance.

The paramedic arrived and moved quickly trying to figure out the best way to move me. They were scared of putting me in a collar, or moving my head because I seemed to have found a position with my head crooked into the bed, with my hand squeezing into my trapezius where I found some relief.

They asked me if I had any allergies - I began listing them off one by one (saying about 6 of them and having trouble remembering all of them) and they were afraid of administering anything to me.

I was carried out by 2 men, on plastic orange blanket of some sort, placed in the ambulance and driven to the Kingston Hospital.

I was met by a doctor as soon as I was pushed off onto the bed. I was met by the usual questions, what's your name, what happened, what medications are you on, what are you allergic to and what's your medical history. Unfortunately, my medical history is long and my list of allergies is extensive.

"I have multiple sclerosis, had a stem cell transplant, trigeminal neuralgia, 2 brain surgeries for the trigeminal, 3 left knee surgeries, gall bladder surgery,  hypopituitarism/ hypothyroid, 2 c-sections, and 2 pertruding discs in my lower back." Unfortunately when I prattled off my history I was interrupted by a look of shock and was asked to repeat it slower so he could write it all down.

We went into my anaphylaxic reaction to pain medications and he became worried about administering anything to me. I said, "I use to get prescribed morphine, hydrocodone and valium . . . and didn't have reactions to those meds."

"Okay, so let get an IV into you and get you some morphine and valium."

I felt relieved, anxious and defeated. How am I giving into prescription pain medication again? Do I even have a choice? I don't even take OTC pain relievers and now I'm gonna do this?! I began to shake, felt very confused and a flood of memories came rushing in . . . of being hospitalized, not being able to walk or barely move,  the pain from multiple sclerosis and feeling forced to take powerful drugs to find relief. I know what these drugs do to your system, from gastrointestinal problems, slowed heart rate, lower blood pressure, building of toxins in my liver and blood . . .

I really didn't want all I had worked up to, believed in and fight for everyday to be crushed. I lived a healthy, holistic lifestyle . . .  and now what does this make me?

Continue the story here: Part II - Human versus Pain

Links to some of my other blog posts:
Emotional Wildfire 
How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

Thoughts

There are days like today where I feel like I'm falling part...I envision myself as an old handmade porcelain doll, peeling, cracking, and withering away. When does my day end? When does it begin? Do I ever accomplish enough? Could I have done more? Could I have done better?
I've often wonder how I've come so far and wonder when am I going to fall apart?
I feel tension and pressure rising. . I haven't done enough on my sculpture;
I've handed in my midterm a day late;
My children want to be near their friends and not me;
My boyfriend waits for me to freak out;
All I want to do is yell, holler and scream...freak the fuck out;
Or do I breath, yawn, have a drink and chill the fuck out?
I look in the mirror and I see every wrinkle, every freckle, every grey hair, every once of fat;
I put some make up in hopes of revealing beauty, but all I see is a frail little girl ready to fall, break and shatter into a thousand pieces. . .
                                                  of nothing.
I'm suppose to be the "woman of steel," the unbreakable, strong, independent woman, who can conquer anything.
What am I?
Who am I?
Will I stop thinking of myself as full of flaws?
Am I ever going to realize, that I am today?
I am not my past, my mistakes, my sadness, or gloom that puts my thoughts where they are now:
I think back to my to all of my different life times I have experienced, from the business women to the drug addict, to the anorexic, to the depressed lonely little girl, the wife, the victim, the sick frail girl waiting to die, to the fat slob, the mother, the student, the artist, the painter, the sculptress the writer. . .
What am I?
What am going to do with tomorrow?
Will I decide to embrace what's around me at the time or will I get up and create, fight and struggle through creating my hopes and dreams in spite of fear?
What do I fear (besides God)?
I fear not walking, not running, being in pain, not seeing, being in a hospital, not being capable of pursuing my dreams, not painting, not writing, not being able to think clearly, living life, feeling the wind on my face, the pavement beneath my feet, and the rain on my skin.
I am not perfect, I am full flaws, full of sadness, full of desire, stitched, glued, taped and put back together in all sorts of wrong. I don't know who I am, or what I'm going to be or what I will conquer tomorrow, but I will start now, here, where I write and remember how I feel.
Every emotion, every bit of pain, every once of sorrow. . .I grieve, but I breath, and I remember there's still now, there's still today.
I will smile and live!
And I will have a glass of wine . . .

A previous post of mine, Inspiration

Emotional Wildfire

I can't believe this semester of school has already begun. It's strange to think that just a few months ago I thought I wouldn't be attending college this semester. I am delighted to say, that I am attending college this semester, stronger than ever, and I am creating art.

Is there anything that feels better than unleashing your imagination, finding your zone, letting go of everything around you and creating the impossible with your hands and your mind? I find peace, serenity, tranquility, inspiration, beauty and awe, in art.

I am embarking on a new journey, everyday. I begin my day, with tons of supplements, a healthy breakfast, and weightlifting. I find eating healthy creates a wholesome goodness at the core of my being and weightlifting provides an inner strength to my mind and body. This beginning to my day, enlightens my soul and invigorates my heart. Why wouldn't I want to begin my day healthy and strong? It's not easy to make myself go to the gym, especially when I'm tired, have so many other things to do, and always experiencing pain, but I have to...or I can't ever make the most of my day.

I have always created art based on the memoirs about my life. I typically abstract these memories and create a piece based on expressive emotion of the event I am retelling.

The next piece I am going to make I am going to do realistically, to emphasize what words cannot express and the heart can only feel. I want people to empathize with my art, and make a web of emotional connections, from one individual to another. For people to understand, they are not alone.  

I want to inspire people with strength and light....and help them look inside of themselves to see their emotions are beautiful, and nothing to be afraid of.

If sharing the traumatic events in my life can truly touch just one soul, and they inspire another, maybe then I can create a wildfire of love, to make this world a better place.

Prior related posts of mine, Inspiration
                                          How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis
                                          How to Help Pain ans Stress Naturally
                                          Unleashing My Imagination

Inspiration

                                 A previous post of mine, How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

                                            A recent post of mine, Emotional Wildfire

RAPE

How do I begin..what do I say? Let me start where the night began....It was the night before Thanksgiving, 8 years ago...I was 25 and had been separated for about a year. I had been with my husband since I was 15 and was abused mentally, physically, emotionally and even sexually for over 8 years. 

I had no idea what the world was like because I wasn't allowed to have friends when I was married. I had no idea of how cruel and selfish people could be. I had gone from a home where my father physically abused me, to living with my boyfriend (who became my husband) who continued to hurt me.

When I finally gained the courage to leave my husband, I never felt so wonderful. It was as though I was a wild bird caged for many years...but then the door to my prison was opened and I clumsily flapped my atrophied wings, my heart beating rapidly, and I escaped.
 
I remember that night...I wish I could forget it. It was the night I couldn't scream! How I wish I could go back in time and scream...I lost a piece of myself..on that cold Autumn night....

My friend Amber and Edward Lux (I had been dating him for about 2 weeks) came over after my children went to bed that night.

Ed pulled out bottles of liquor from his bag, and I got out some beer. We began drinking quite heavily, one shot after another, swigging the beer afterwards, chasing the liquor down.

I'm not sure exactly how much I drank, I was so intoxicated by 1am that I could barely stand.

Amber decided to go upstairs and sleep in my bedroom and I slept downstairs in living room, on some blankets with Ed.

The second after we laid down his hands were all over me...groping my breasts, and my ass. He was thrusting his tongue into my mouth..."go slow and easy..." I said.
 
"Come on! Its been two weeks already. I can't wait for you any longer..." Ed said while pushing my butt into his pelvis, so I could feel his erection.
 
"I may be drunk, but I'm not ready to have sex with you yet!" I put my hands on his chest, pulled my knees up and tried pushing him away.
 
He pulled me closer and harder into him, as I pushed away...
 
"Stop it!" I said firmly.
 
"You know you want it," he said laughingly, as he grabbed my crotch.
 
I pushed his hands off with all of my strength, "I said stop it! I don't want this!"
 
I jerked my head back trying to stop him from slobbering me with his mouth, I then tried wriggling away from his tight hold on me. Whenever I pulled away, he would grab me harder and snicker...

I knew my strength was no match for his. Ed had an incredibly huge physique. He won the Tough Man Contest in Glens Falls two years in a row. I also felt languid from the heavy drinking I did that night, which only impaired my ability to fight him off.
 
I begged him to stop..over and over again.
 
"You are hurting me! I don't want to have sex with you!"
 
Ed angrily replied, "When? When then? I can't wait for you any longer!"
 
I lied and replied, "I don't know when. I guess when I feel ready, and I'm not ready yet!"
 
I knew at this point I never wanted to have sex with him. In fact, I didn't want to see him ever again after he continually groped and pulled on my body. I just wanted him to stop at this point, so I told him this hoping that if he thought I may want to have sex with him in the future, he would stop out of respect.
 
 "Can we fool around a little more?"

I replied firmly, "No...I'm really tired and drunk. I just want to sleep."

He loosened his grip on me and I rolled over and went to sleep.
 
A few hours later I awoke to him pulling my pants and underwear off. I felt fuzzy and very drunk...I could barely comprehend what was happening...was I dreaming?

"Stop! What are you doing?" I began kicking my legs, trying to stop what was happening. My pants were around my ankles making this very difficult.

He lunged his body forward on top of mine...snickering. He grabbed my wrists and pinned them together above my head. I yanked my head from side to side, and tried moving my arms...I could feel his knees on top of my thighs, making it so I couldn't move my legs. I was pinned and helpless.

I didn't know what to do...I couldn't scream because I would wake my kids up and they'd see their mother being raped!

I began to cry...and begged for him to stop..."Please, please...please stop."

His other hand went to his pants and I could hear his zipper....

"NO...NO...I don't want this! Please stop!"

He tried thrusting his penis into me...I flexed my thighs as hard as could, trying to stop him. He slid his knees up further onto my thighs and used his hand trying to spread my legs open.

I got a hand free...and went for this throat and squeezed his neck, attempting to hurt and or stop him. His other hand came forward and pulled my hand back above my head.

He thrust his penis into me...

My neck tightened up and my mouth opened to scream...but I couldn't...I couldn't wake my children to witness this horror.

Tears flowed from my eyes..."Stop it...stop...your hurting me!"

He continued to thrust his body into mine, while grunting like a wild animal.

"You know you want this....aaahhhh....you feel sooooo good..."
 
I sobbed...I didn't know what else to do...the more I tried to fight him off...the harder he plunged his pelvis into me and the more it hurt.
 
I began thinking in my head, why did I get drunk? What did I do to deserve this? Why is this happening to me? Is this really happening? I am a whore...Get off of me! Get off of MEEE!
 
The rape lasted maybe two minutes...but it seemed like hours...I thought it would never end.
 
After he ejaculated in me he collapsed on top of me and let go of my hands...I pushed on him as hard as I could, trying to get him off of me.
 
I slowly sat up and tried putting my underwear and pants back on....while I continued to sob.
 
I didn't know what to do? How do I get him out of my house? Do I call the police and report a rape? Wait...I can't call the police...what would my family think of me? Would they question if it was rape because I was intoxicated? Should I go to the hospital....who would they call? What would they do? Could he impregnate me? 

I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
 
I never felt so humiliated, degraded, disrespected, disgusting, mortified, petrified, hurt, sad, and dirty in all of my life.
 
I went into the bathroom, and wiped his filth from between my legs. My thighs were trembling with pain...my vagina hurt so bad.
 
I splashed water onto my face, trying to wake up. I looked into the mirror and put my head down...I was ashamed, so ashamed...

Paper Mache. life size, "RAPE" I created

                                 

A previous post of mine titled, Inspiration

Another previous post of mine, The Beauty in Tragedy

A recent post of mine titled, Emotional Wildfire

How to Help Pain and Stress Naturally

When our day begins and we wake up in pain, it is very depressing and stressful. We tend to focus on what is "hurting" rather than detach ourselves from the affliction.

The latest research has found a direct link between stress and new lesion formation (link to article).

The source of our malady doesn't matter... regardless of mental, or physical pain, there's always a way to work through it.

I've got a torn rotator cuff, two protruding discs at L4 and L5, suffered with MS for years, have had 3 knee surgeries, my gall bladder removed, and two brain surgeries due to trigeminal neuralgia (the most painful affliction in the world).

I know pain...it's hard, and worse, it is depressing.

The worst thing to do, is to sit around and do nothing, and let the pain and depression consume you.

I keep moving and working, always doing something to keep my mind away from pain.

I'm not saying to ignore a medical issue that needs treatment. Rather I'm saying, if you're like me...and suffer with pain, it's best to keep your mind off and away from it because it causes stress on your whole body.

Here's a link about how pain and stress are closely related.

I stay positive, and I am always looking for things to do. For example, I'm always listening to music, writing, spending time with loved ones, weight lifting, shopping for healthy food, reading, and creating. The Fall semester for college begins in less than a week...I can't wait to get into the studio and start sculpting. I'm also taking a 400 level English course, with a focus on writing.

Once my mind stops focusing, I find the pain...and feel miserable.

I feel most relaxed when I'm creating. I enter this "zone," and get so into what I'm doing that the rest of the world disappears.

It can be hard to create when my pain is awful, but all I have to do is start to create and I accidentally fall into my "zone" and the pain disappears.

You may not be creative and that's fine...find a hobby, spend time with a friend, meditate, pray, create a scrapbook, listen to/play music, play cards, board games, sing, dance, exercise, cook, read, write, stretch, etc. It doesn't matter what healthy activity you do, as long as your whole mind is immersed in it.

When your lost deep in thought, your body relaxes, stress lifts, and pain goes away.

Find your "zone," where your world, and your pain, melts away.

Related previous posts of mine, How to Fight Depression Naturally
                                                  How Exercise Fights MS
                                                 How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

A Personal Note ~ To my Amazing Children

Dear James and Veronica,

I feel as though I have never conveyed how grateful I am to the both of you for loving and taking care of me all of those years when I was ill with MS. I never forgot every act of kindness, patience, and love you showed me...in my darkest times. I know mothers are suppose to be strong...but there were numerous times when I wasn't because I was so sick and leaned on you two for help.

Veronica ~

I remember how you learned to cook at a young age...because I had such trouble walking and standing. You stood in front of the stove, got out the eggs, and asked me to cook them for you. I was in such pain...I couldn't do it. You then got a chair, pushed it up to the stove and said "That's okay mommy...How do I make eggs?"

Sigh...my eyes water remembering that moment...how I adore you Veronica...

I told you to turn the stove on, crack the eggs and flip them when they turned white. I watched you from the sofa, as I was curled into a ball, from the pain.

You gently cracked the eggs against the stove, until they broke...you looked at the eggs in the pan and said "Mommy would you like some eggs too?"

You flipped the eggs, better than I ever could...you didn't even break the yolks! You then went over to the toaster and made some toast for the eggs.

You handed me a plate of eggs and toast, made by your little hands. Tears rolled down my cheeks because I was  grateful, but saddened because I couldn't be a mother.

Shortly thereafter you learned to cook pasta, macaroni and cheese, grilled cheese and Oodles of noodles. You took my place in the kitchen and became the mother. You cooked for James and I, taking care of us. Thank you...what you did all of those years...cannot be expressed in words.

I remember many times you placing a blanket on me, kissing my forehead, and saying "good night," before heading to bed. I never had to tell you it was time for bed. In fact, you often told James, to "go to bed...mommy isn't feeling good. We need to help mom, and be good."

You and James even did the laundry for me. Since you were better at folding, James washed and dried the clothes, so you could fold them. I even remember the times you put my clothes away in my dresser for me.

Then there were times you and James would clean the house...the best you could.

We wouldn't have had a clean home if it wasn't for you!

Thank you.

James ~

I never forgot the first time I came home on Canadian crutches. I felt so sad, lonely and depressed. You were only 3 years old...and you looked at me and said, "Mommy those are so cool...let me try!"

I smiled and began to cry....

You always tried to help me with Veronica, by watching over her and making sure she didn't get into trouble. I don't what I would have done if you hadn't helped me.

You helped with laundry, did chores around the house, helped me shop, carried in the groceries... you managed to do all of things I couldn't.

You would help me to my feet, get my walker or crutches and encouraged me to walk again...

When I'd fall you'd help me up.

You became the man of the house as a little boy.

Thank you so very much James...


I have often wondered if you two are angels, sent by God, to help me through my toughest times.

I wish I could of given you two the childhood you deserved. Instead the two of you accompanied me to the hospitals, pharmacies, doctors, got me my medicine, helped me to the bathroom, cooked and cleaned.

Helping me the way you guys did....kept us together! Could I ever thank you enough?

I'm sorry you guys couldn't hug me, sit on my lap or touch me because the my pain heightened when you did.  How I wanted to reach out to you guys, pull you in and hug you...I always feel sad thinking I never showed you two enough affection, when you were little and needed it most.

I'm sorry I couldn't be much of a mother all of those years...

I know I can't change the past...but I will live the rest of my life trying.

I know God created you two just for me. I've always felt so blessed to have such wonderful, supportive children. You have been my hope and light, in my darkest times of my life.

Everyone should know how wonderful you two are....

If it wasn't for the two of you...I wouldn't be who I am today. You are the strength, determination and courage I need to defeat MS.

I love you both with every beat of my heart....
 
Mom ~

A previous post of mine, How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

Resolving the Battle of Exhaustion

I have been completely exhausted lately, so tired I couldn't do anything but sleep. I literally felt like a "limp noodle." However, as of this afternoon...I feel ten times better!

When I was doing a lot of research about hypothyroidism, I read about adrenal fatigue.

I've always been one of those people who is driven and full of determination when I tackle any task. Although this is a great personality trait for getting something accomplished, it has begun to harm my body.

When your body is always stressed out it can cause an adrenal insufficiency, or worse, an adrenal crisis.

The adrenal glands are bean sized glands, located at the top of your kidneys. These small glands are responsible for producing: cortisone, aldosterone, androgenous hormones, and catecholamines (adrenaline and non-adrenaline hormones).

Adrenal glands can be damaged through a poor diet, stress, medication (corticosteroids), lack of ACTH from the pituitary gland, infection, untreated hypothyroidism, toxins (soy, hormones, birth control pills), low iodine intake and excessive caffeine consumption.

I'm not sure what exactly has caused my adrenal problem...could of been a mixture of the above causes. My primary suspects are untreated hypothyroidism, years of corticosteroids and stress. I seem to do too much and need to learn how to relax more often.

How did I resolve this adrenal fatigue? My boyfriend literally dragged me off the floor and we went to Health Hut in Delmar, NY, and purchased Solaray Adrenal Caps. I can't believe this remedy was under $10 and made me feel 100% better!

I must warn you though, if you do not have adrenal fatigue or insufficiency and you take this, you may feel jittery and hyper or you may stress out your adrenal glands and cause an adrenal crisis, which can be life threatening. There is bovine in these caplets, which is freeze dried adrenals from an animal, which is to be only used in more serious cases of adrenal fatigue.

Safer remedies are ginseng, melatonin, licorice root, ginger root, yoga, healthy diet, exercise, laughing, meditation, vitamin B, vitamin C, zinc, selenium, sea salt, magnesium, 5-HTP, Valerian root, l-tyrosine, and minimizing stress.

I take most of the supplements and vitamins listed above, exercise and have a nutritious diet, but I have hypothyroidism which is being treated with bovine and according to my recent blood work this is not enough. However, I did just recently order a safe desiccated thyroid online called Thyroid-S, which is much more effective.

I also highly recommend the website and the book, Stop the Thyroid Madness. The information they provide I found to be most the helpful. The website not only discusses every type of hypothyroidism, but also discusses adrenal fatigue. There are types of self exams you can perform, as well as blood work, which can be done from your home. There is a lot of information on this website and it is time consuming, but I found the resolution to my problem.

Before I took these adrenal caps, I felt weak, was extremely tired and anxious, had cold hands and feet, my lower back ached, my legs felt heavy, I had trouble falling and staying asleep, and had low blood pressure. These are many of the symptoms associated with adrenal fatigue.

I thought it was strange to fight fatigue with supplements which relax your body...but it seems your body needs to learn how to relax in order to produce the proper hormones.

I also recently learned that low progesterone and high estrogen levels are usually caused by adrenal insufficiency. These glands are responsible for the production of androgenous hormones, such as progesterone. This means the yam cream I've been using, is useless!

Doing things healthier and natural...isn't easy but it's better for your body. I know trial and error can be aggravating when the resolution isn't so clear. It took me a bit to resolve this problem, but I have. Find what works for you! 

I can't wait until I get Thyroid-S...I can't imagine how great I'm going to feel!

I've had an awesome day! I'm feeling better, writing on my blog and attending college in another week.

Yay!

Life is good...thank you God.

Read a previous post titled, Hypothyroidism and Battling Your Weight

How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

Personal Note ~ To My Readers

I'm sorry I haven't posted anything lately. I have not been feeling good...my thyroid levels are very low. This has been making me feel completely exhausted.

I'm waiting to receive the natural dessicated thyroid I ordered.

The video of the leg press, was edited...but uploaded incorrectly on YouTube. The audio cuts out and its not suppose to. I wrote an email to YouTube, but they never responded. So I have to do it again!

I'm also almost done with another post.

I should definitely have something posted by tomorrow night.

Thank you for reading.

I Will Have a New Post Up Tomorrow Night

I want to apologize to my readers...I've been trying to get on a proper sleep schedule. I have been up late most nights writing...and as you know this can be unhealthy and lead to an unproductive day. However, I'm almost finished editing my video that I want to post here and almost done with a new post that will be ready by tomorrow night.

Thank you for reading ~