Thoughts

There are days like today where I feel like I'm falling part...I envision myself as an old handmade porcelain doll, peeling, cracking, and withering away. When does my day end? When does it begin? Do I ever accomplish enough? Could I have done more? Could I have done better?
I've often wonder how I've come so far and wonder when am I going to fall apart?
I feel tension and pressure rising. . I haven't done enough on my sculpture;
I've handed in my midterm a day late;
My children want to be near their friends and not me;
My boyfriend waits for me to freak out;
All I want to do is yell, holler and scream...freak the fuck out;
Or do I breath, yawn, have a drink and chill the fuck out?
I look in the mirror and I see every wrinkle, every freckle, every grey hair, every once of fat;
I put some make up in hopes of revealing beauty, but all I see is a frail little girl ready to fall, break and shatter into a thousand pieces. . .
                                                  of nothing.
I'm suppose to be the "woman of steel," the unbreakable, strong, independent woman, who can conquer anything.
What am I?
Who am I?
Will I stop thinking of myself as full of flaws?
Am I ever going to realize, that I am today?
I am not my past, my mistakes, my sadness, or gloom that puts my thoughts where they are now:
I think back to my to all of my different life times I have experienced, from the business women to the drug addict, to the anorexic, to the depressed lonely little girl, the wife, the victim, the sick frail girl waiting to die, to the fat slob, the mother, the student, the artist, the painter, the sculptress the writer. . .
What am I?
What am going to do with tomorrow?
Will I decide to embrace what's around me at the time or will I get up and create, fight and struggle through creating my hopes and dreams in spite of fear?
What do I fear (besides God)?
I fear not walking, not running, being in pain, not seeing, being in a hospital, not being capable of pursuing my dreams, not painting, not writing, not being able to think clearly, living life, feeling the wind on my face, the pavement beneath my feet, and the rain on my skin.
I am not perfect, I am full flaws, full of sadness, full of desire, stitched, glued, taped and put back together in all sorts of wrong. I don't know who I am, or what I'm going to be or what I will conquer tomorrow, but I will start now, here, where I write and remember how I feel.
Every emotion, every bit of pain, every once of sorrow. . .I grieve, but I breath, and I remember there's still now, there's still today.
I will smile and live!
And I will have a glass of wine . . .

A previous post of mine, Inspiration

RAPE

How do I begin..what do I say? Let me start where the night began....It was the night before Thanksgiving, 8 years ago...I was 25 and had been separated for about a year. I had been with my husband since I was 15 and was abused mentally, physically, emotionally and even sexually for over 8 years. 

I had no idea what the world was like because I wasn't allowed to have friends when I was married. I had no idea of how cruel and selfish people could be. I had gone from a home where my father physically abused me, to living with my boyfriend (who became my husband) who continued to hurt me.

When I finally gained the courage to leave my husband, I never felt so wonderful. It was as though I was a wild bird caged for many years...but then the door to my prison was opened and I clumsily flapped my atrophied wings, my heart beating rapidly, and I escaped.
 
I remember that night...I wish I could forget it. It was the night I couldn't scream! How I wish I could go back in time and scream...I lost a piece of myself..on that cold Autumn night....

My friend Amber and Edward Lux (I had been dating him for about 2 weeks) came over after my children went to bed that night.

Ed pulled out bottles of liquor from his bag, and I got out some beer. We began drinking quite heavily, one shot after another, swigging the beer afterwards, chasing the liquor down.

I'm not sure exactly how much I drank, I was so intoxicated by 1am that I could barely stand.

Amber decided to go upstairs and sleep in my bedroom and I slept downstairs in living room, on some blankets with Ed.

The second after we laid down his hands were all over me...groping my breasts, and my ass. He was thrusting his tongue into my mouth..."go slow and easy..." I said.
 
"Come on! Its been two weeks already. I can't wait for you any longer..." Ed said while pushing my butt into his pelvis, so I could feel his erection.
 
"I may be drunk, but I'm not ready to have sex with you yet!" I put my hands on his chest, pulled my knees up and tried pushing him away.
 
He pulled me closer and harder into him, as I pushed away...
 
"Stop it!" I said firmly.
 
"You know you want it," he said laughingly, as he grabbed my crotch.
 
I pushed his hands off with all of my strength, "I said stop it! I don't want this!"
 
I jerked my head back trying to stop him from slobbering me with his mouth, I then tried wriggling away from his tight hold on me. Whenever I pulled away, he would grab me harder and snicker...

I knew my strength was no match for his. Ed had an incredibly huge physique. He won the Tough Man Contest in Glens Falls two years in a row. I also felt languid from the heavy drinking I did that night, which only impaired my ability to fight him off.
 
I begged him to stop..over and over again.
 
"You are hurting me! I don't want to have sex with you!"
 
Ed angrily replied, "When? When then? I can't wait for you any longer!"
 
I lied and replied, "I don't know when. I guess when I feel ready, and I'm not ready yet!"
 
I knew at this point I never wanted to have sex with him. In fact, I didn't want to see him ever again after he continually groped and pulled on my body. I just wanted him to stop at this point, so I told him this hoping that if he thought I may want to have sex with him in the future, he would stop out of respect.
 
 "Can we fool around a little more?"

I replied firmly, "No...I'm really tired and drunk. I just want to sleep."

He loosened his grip on me and I rolled over and went to sleep.
 
A few hours later I awoke to him pulling my pants and underwear off. I felt fuzzy and very drunk...I could barely comprehend what was happening...was I dreaming?

"Stop! What are you doing?" I began kicking my legs, trying to stop what was happening. My pants were around my ankles making this very difficult.

He lunged his body forward on top of mine...snickering. He grabbed my wrists and pinned them together above my head. I yanked my head from side to side, and tried moving my arms...I could feel his knees on top of my thighs, making it so I couldn't move my legs. I was pinned and helpless.

I didn't know what to do...I couldn't scream because I would wake my kids up and they'd see their mother being raped!

I began to cry...and begged for him to stop..."Please, please...please stop."

His other hand went to his pants and I could hear his zipper....

"NO...NO...I don't want this! Please stop!"

He tried thrusting his penis into me...I flexed my thighs as hard as could, trying to stop him. He slid his knees up further onto my thighs and used his hand trying to spread my legs open.

I got a hand free...and went for this throat and squeezed his neck, attempting to hurt and or stop him. His other hand came forward and pulled my hand back above my head.

He thrust his penis into me...

My neck tightened up and my mouth opened to scream...but I couldn't...I couldn't wake my children to witness this horror.

Tears flowed from my eyes..."Stop it...stop...your hurting me!"

He continued to thrust his body into mine, while grunting like a wild animal.

"You know you want this....aaahhhh....you feel sooooo good..."
 
I sobbed...I didn't know what else to do...the more I tried to fight him off...the harder he plunged his pelvis into me and the more it hurt.
 
I began thinking in my head, why did I get drunk? What did I do to deserve this? Why is this happening to me? Is this really happening? I am a whore...Get off of me! Get off of MEEE!
 
The rape lasted maybe two minutes...but it seemed like hours...I thought it would never end.
 
After he ejaculated in me he collapsed on top of me and let go of my hands...I pushed on him as hard as I could, trying to get him off of me.
 
I slowly sat up and tried putting my underwear and pants back on....while I continued to sob.
 
I didn't know what to do? How do I get him out of my house? Do I call the police and report a rape? Wait...I can't call the police...what would my family think of me? Would they question if it was rape because I was intoxicated? Should I go to the hospital....who would they call? What would they do? Could he impregnate me? 

I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
 
I never felt so humiliated, degraded, disrespected, disgusting, mortified, petrified, hurt, sad, and dirty in all of my life.
 
I went into the bathroom, and wiped his filth from between my legs. My thighs were trembling with pain...my vagina hurt so bad.
 
I splashed water onto my face, trying to wake up. I looked into the mirror and put my head down...I was ashamed, so ashamed...

Paper Mache. life size, "RAPE" I created

                                 

A previous post of mine titled, Inspiration

Another previous post of mine, The Beauty in Tragedy

A recent post of mine titled, Emotional Wildfire

A Personal Note ~ To my Amazing Children

Dear James and Veronica,

I feel as though I have never conveyed how grateful I am to the both of you for loving and taking care of me all of those years when I was ill with MS. I never forgot every act of kindness, patience, and love you showed me...in my darkest times. I know mothers are suppose to be strong...but there were numerous times when I wasn't because I was so sick and leaned on you two for help.

Veronica ~

I remember how you learned to cook at a young age...because I had such trouble walking and standing. You stood in front of the stove, got out the eggs, and asked me to cook them for you. I was in such pain...I couldn't do it. You then got a chair, pushed it up to the stove and said "That's okay mommy...How do I make eggs?"

Sigh...my eyes water remembering that moment...how I adore you Veronica...

I told you to turn the stove on, crack the eggs and flip them when they turned white. I watched you from the sofa, as I was curled into a ball, from the pain.

You gently cracked the eggs against the stove, until they broke...you looked at the eggs in the pan and said "Mommy would you like some eggs too?"

You flipped the eggs, better than I ever could...you didn't even break the yolks! You then went over to the toaster and made some toast for the eggs.

You handed me a plate of eggs and toast, made by your little hands. Tears rolled down my cheeks because I was  grateful, but saddened because I couldn't be a mother.

Shortly thereafter you learned to cook pasta, macaroni and cheese, grilled cheese and Oodles of noodles. You took my place in the kitchen and became the mother. You cooked for James and I, taking care of us. Thank you...what you did all of those years...cannot be expressed in words.

I remember many times you placing a blanket on me, kissing my forehead, and saying "good night," before heading to bed. I never had to tell you it was time for bed. In fact, you often told James, to "go to bed...mommy isn't feeling good. We need to help mom, and be good."

You and James even did the laundry for me. Since you were better at folding, James washed and dried the clothes, so you could fold them. I even remember the times you put my clothes away in my dresser for me.

Then there were times you and James would clean the house...the best you could.

We wouldn't have had a clean home if it wasn't for you!

Thank you.

James ~

I never forgot the first time I came home on Canadian crutches. I felt so sad, lonely and depressed. You were only 3 years old...and you looked at me and said, "Mommy those are so cool...let me try!"

I smiled and began to cry....

You always tried to help me with Veronica, by watching over her and making sure she didn't get into trouble. I don't what I would have done if you hadn't helped me.

You helped with laundry, did chores around the house, helped me shop, carried in the groceries... you managed to do all of things I couldn't.

You would help me to my feet, get my walker or crutches and encouraged me to walk again...

When I'd fall you'd help me up.

You became the man of the house as a little boy.

Thank you so very much James...


I have often wondered if you two are angels, sent by God, to help me through my toughest times.

I wish I could of given you two the childhood you deserved. Instead the two of you accompanied me to the hospitals, pharmacies, doctors, got me my medicine, helped me to the bathroom, cooked and cleaned.

Helping me the way you guys did....kept us together! Could I ever thank you enough?

I'm sorry you guys couldn't hug me, sit on my lap or touch me because the my pain heightened when you did.  How I wanted to reach out to you guys, pull you in and hug you...I always feel sad thinking I never showed you two enough affection, when you were little and needed it most.

I'm sorry I couldn't be much of a mother all of those years...

I know I can't change the past...but I will live the rest of my life trying.

I know God created you two just for me. I've always felt so blessed to have such wonderful, supportive children. You have been my hope and light, in my darkest times of my life.

Everyone should know how wonderful you two are....

If it wasn't for the two of you...I wouldn't be who I am today. You are the strength, determination and courage I need to defeat MS.

I love you both with every beat of my heart....
 
Mom ~

A previous post of mine, How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

My Life Could Be Worse

Today I felt as though I was a failure because I'm not getting things done. I'm feeling pressure from financial stress, my tire went flat, I'm upset because I can't attend college in the Fall, and I was beating myself up over the ten pounds I recently put on. I felt depressed, disheartened and began to cry.

I don't understand why I was so sad considering I've been through much worse in my life and I've gotten through it. I was feeling insurmountable pressure and I didn't know what to do with it, other than pray and talk to God.

I'm feeling the money pressure and anyone who is on disability knows what I'm referring to. I feel as though I get enough money to pay the household bills, but lack funds for my kids school supplies, clothes and sneakers.

I know I could get a decent job with my college degrees, but I think its useless. What good are Bachelor degrees, if I'd be earning 32 grand a year, still struggling and doing a job I didn't like? However, I could continue with college, be broke for a couple more years to finish with a Master's in Fine Arts degree and make about sixty grand a year.

Meanwhile, my kids and I suffer with little income and struggling to get by. So I've been doing small general contracting jobs to earn a few extra dollars, but the money has been going towards food and vet bills.

Copper chewed a hole in my sofa and has destroyed a third pair of dress shoes! I don't know how I'm going to replace them without any money.

Sigh...

I feel like giving up

I hung my head in shame.

Lately, I haven't been going to the gym as much. Normally I go 6 - 7 days a week, but lately I've been going four days a week and eating more. This has led to ten unwanted pounds around my middle and the feeling of failure.

To top it all off, my tire went flat and I don't have the means necessary to get it replaced. I found myself asking my boyfriend for help and felt  my last ounce of integrity go with it.

Tears rolled down my face and I recited the Serenity Prayer:
                                                     
I know I can change going to the gym more frequently, so today I went for 2 hours and lifted more weight than ever! I focused on my breathing and internalized my fears.

I know to fix something, I have to change, I have to make a difference now, not tomorrow.

I need to reclaim my independence and take control of my life. I need a plan of action and only I can do this.

However, I need to understand that not everything will happen now.

So I will begin with a better portfolio of my art work, writing to my professors, visiting the financial aid office and by visiting Craigslist to find more work and make money.

I know these fears only stop me from doing what is necessary, so I will stop being afraid, and do what I can.

I can recall my awful life only four years ago...and I smile when I think of where I am today.

I am stronger, smarter and healthier than ever....and know I can do anything if I believe in myself.

Here's a link to a newspaper article, which describes where I was four years ago, Hoping on Healing