Let 'Your' Story be Heard

I had an artistic epiphany the other day after doing extensive reading . . .

I want to create a participatory artistic book, capable of growing over time as stories are sent to me by ANYONE willing to participate. I am not looking for anything in particular . . . only what you are willing to share. It may be long, a few sentences, poetic, a stream of consciousness, a story . . . what you write in particular doesn't matter, as long as it's from you and it's about an experience or feeling you are willing to share. The book will be hand-bound and hopefully shown in art exhibits over time, your name is not necessary if you are uncomfortable with that, though your initials would be appreciated, as well as your city/state. If however this still makes you uncomfortable you can always use a pen name. So this book will be authored by numerous people and I would love to have YOU added. You may submit as many stories as you'd like.

To complete an online anonymous submission form follow this link.

Unfortunately my experiences alone cannot bring about great change in our shared reality - that is why I need 'you' my readers to participate in this journey with me.

Without your participation this artistic book will not be possible. Please don't feel intimidated about the way you write, grammar, style, or anything else. It is your chance to have your experience/voice heard and shared by others, and with each new entry the collaborative work gains power to evoke empathy in others and allow change and interconnectedness to happen.

Email: cobalt.blue.rs@gmail.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/rosary.solimanto

Guidelines:
length - any
form - any
feelings - any
prohibited words - none
prohibited topics - none
story - any
name - what ever you are willing to share, ie; Elizabeth Smith, E. Smith, ES, anonymous or Jane Doe
- it must be about you
- and it will never be edited
- feel free to write it out by hand, scan the story and send it
- your email or personal information will never be shared

Thank you for your time and sharing your story.

Previous post: Artistic Statement

Thoughts

There are days like today where I feel like I'm falling part...I envision myself as an old handmade porcelain doll, peeling, cracking, and withering away. When does my day end? When does it begin? Do I ever accomplish enough? Could I have done more? Could I have done better?
I've often wonder how I've come so far and wonder when am I going to fall apart?
I feel tension and pressure rising. . I haven't done enough on my sculpture;
I've handed in my midterm a day late;
My children want to be near their friends and not me;
My boyfriend waits for me to freak out;
All I want to do is yell, holler and scream...freak the fuck out;
Or do I breath, yawn, have a drink and chill the fuck out?
I look in the mirror and I see every wrinkle, every freckle, every grey hair, every once of fat;
I put some make up in hopes of revealing beauty, but all I see is a frail little girl ready to fall, break and shatter into a thousand pieces. . .
                                                  of nothing.
I'm suppose to be the "woman of steel," the unbreakable, strong, independent woman, who can conquer anything.
What am I?
Who am I?
Will I stop thinking of myself as full of flaws?
Am I ever going to realize, that I am today?
I am not my past, my mistakes, my sadness, or gloom that puts my thoughts where they are now:
I think back to my to all of my different life times I have experienced, from the business women to the drug addict, to the anorexic, to the depressed lonely little girl, the wife, the victim, the sick frail girl waiting to die, to the fat slob, the mother, the student, the artist, the painter, the sculptress the writer. . .
What am I?
What am going to do with tomorrow?
Will I decide to embrace what's around me at the time or will I get up and create, fight and struggle through creating my hopes and dreams in spite of fear?
What do I fear (besides God)?
I fear not walking, not running, being in pain, not seeing, being in a hospital, not being capable of pursuing my dreams, not painting, not writing, not being able to think clearly, living life, feeling the wind on my face, the pavement beneath my feet, and the rain on my skin.
I am not perfect, I am full flaws, full of sadness, full of desire, stitched, glued, taped and put back together in all sorts of wrong. I don't know who I am, or what I'm going to be or what I will conquer tomorrow, but I will start now, here, where I write and remember how I feel.
Every emotion, every bit of pain, every once of sorrow. . .I grieve, but I breath, and I remember there's still now, there's still today.
I will smile and live!
And I will have a glass of wine . . .

A previous post of mine, Inspiration

Emotional Wildfire

I can't believe this semester of school has already begun. It's strange to think that just a few months ago I thought I wouldn't be attending college this semester. I am delighted to say, that I am attending college this semester, stronger than ever, and I am creating art.

Is there anything that feels better than unleashing your imagination, finding your zone, letting go of everything around you and creating the impossible with your hands and your mind? I find peace, serenity, tranquility, inspiration, beauty and awe, in art.

I am embarking on a new journey, everyday. I begin my day, with tons of supplements, a healthy breakfast, and weightlifting. I find eating healthy creates a wholesome goodness at the core of my being and weightlifting provides an inner strength to my mind and body. This beginning to my day, enlightens my soul and invigorates my heart. Why wouldn't I want to begin my day healthy and strong? It's not easy to make myself go to the gym, especially when I'm tired, have so many other things to do, and always experiencing pain, but I have to...or I can't ever make the most of my day.

I have always created art based on the memoirs about my life. I typically abstract these memories and create a piece based on expressive emotion of the event I am retelling.

The next piece I am going to make I am going to do realistically, to emphasize what words cannot express and the heart can only feel. I want people to empathize with my art, and make a web of emotional connections, from one individual to another. For people to understand, they are not alone.  

I want to inspire people with strength and light....and help them look inside of themselves to see their emotions are beautiful, and nothing to be afraid of.

If sharing the traumatic events in my life can truly touch just one soul, and they inspire another, maybe then I can create a wildfire of love, to make this world a better place.

Prior related posts of mine, Inspiration
                                          How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis
                                          How to Help Pain ans Stress Naturally
                                          Unleashing My Imagination

Inspiration

                                 A previous post of mine, How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

                                            A recent post of mine, Emotional Wildfire

RAPE

How do I begin..what do I say? Let me start where the night began....It was the night before Thanksgiving, 8 years ago...I was 25 and had been separated for about a year. I had been with my husband since I was 15 and was abused mentally, physically, emotionally and even sexually for over 8 years. 

I had no idea what the world was like because I wasn't allowed to have friends when I was married. I had no idea of how cruel and selfish people could be. I had gone from a home where my father physically abused me, to living with my boyfriend (who became my husband) who continued to hurt me.

When I finally gained the courage to leave my husband, I never felt so wonderful. It was as though I was a wild bird caged for many years...but then the door to my prison was opened and I clumsily flapped my atrophied wings, my heart beating rapidly, and I escaped.
 
I remember that night...I wish I could forget it. It was the night I couldn't scream! How I wish I could go back in time and scream...I lost a piece of myself..on that cold Autumn night....

My friend Amber and Edward Lux (I had been dating him for about 2 weeks) came over after my children went to bed that night.

Ed pulled out bottles of liquor from his bag, and I got out some beer. We began drinking quite heavily, one shot after another, swigging the beer afterwards, chasing the liquor down.

I'm not sure exactly how much I drank, I was so intoxicated by 1am that I could barely stand.

Amber decided to go upstairs and sleep in my bedroom and I slept downstairs in living room, on some blankets with Ed.

The second after we laid down his hands were all over me...groping my breasts, and my ass. He was thrusting his tongue into my mouth..."go slow and easy..." I said.
 
"Come on! Its been two weeks already. I can't wait for you any longer..." Ed said while pushing my butt into his pelvis, so I could feel his erection.
 
"I may be drunk, but I'm not ready to have sex with you yet!" I put my hands on his chest, pulled my knees up and tried pushing him away.
 
He pulled me closer and harder into him, as I pushed away...
 
"Stop it!" I said firmly.
 
"You know you want it," he said laughingly, as he grabbed my crotch.
 
I pushed his hands off with all of my strength, "I said stop it! I don't want this!"
 
I jerked my head back trying to stop him from slobbering me with his mouth, I then tried wriggling away from his tight hold on me. Whenever I pulled away, he would grab me harder and snicker...

I knew my strength was no match for his. Ed had an incredibly huge physique. He won the Tough Man Contest in Glens Falls two years in a row. I also felt languid from the heavy drinking I did that night, which only impaired my ability to fight him off.
 
I begged him to stop..over and over again.
 
"You are hurting me! I don't want to have sex with you!"
 
Ed angrily replied, "When? When then? I can't wait for you any longer!"
 
I lied and replied, "I don't know when. I guess when I feel ready, and I'm not ready yet!"
 
I knew at this point I never wanted to have sex with him. In fact, I didn't want to see him ever again after he continually groped and pulled on my body. I just wanted him to stop at this point, so I told him this hoping that if he thought I may want to have sex with him in the future, he would stop out of respect.
 
 "Can we fool around a little more?"

I replied firmly, "No...I'm really tired and drunk. I just want to sleep."

He loosened his grip on me and I rolled over and went to sleep.
 
A few hours later I awoke to him pulling my pants and underwear off. I felt fuzzy and very drunk...I could barely comprehend what was happening...was I dreaming?

"Stop! What are you doing?" I began kicking my legs, trying to stop what was happening. My pants were around my ankles making this very difficult.

He lunged his body forward on top of mine...snickering. He grabbed my wrists and pinned them together above my head. I yanked my head from side to side, and tried moving my arms...I could feel his knees on top of my thighs, making it so I couldn't move my legs. I was pinned and helpless.

I didn't know what to do...I couldn't scream because I would wake my kids up and they'd see their mother being raped!

I began to cry...and begged for him to stop..."Please, please...please stop."

His other hand went to his pants and I could hear his zipper....

"NO...NO...I don't want this! Please stop!"

He tried thrusting his penis into me...I flexed my thighs as hard as could, trying to stop him. He slid his knees up further onto my thighs and used his hand trying to spread my legs open.

I got a hand free...and went for this throat and squeezed his neck, attempting to hurt and or stop him. His other hand came forward and pulled my hand back above my head.

He thrust his penis into me...

My neck tightened up and my mouth opened to scream...but I couldn't...I couldn't wake my children to witness this horror.

Tears flowed from my eyes..."Stop it...stop...your hurting me!"

He continued to thrust his body into mine, while grunting like a wild animal.

"You know you want this....aaahhhh....you feel sooooo good..."
 
I sobbed...I didn't know what else to do...the more I tried to fight him off...the harder he plunged his pelvis into me and the more it hurt.
 
I began thinking in my head, why did I get drunk? What did I do to deserve this? Why is this happening to me? Is this really happening? I am a whore...Get off of me! Get off of MEEE!
 
The rape lasted maybe two minutes...but it seemed like hours...I thought it would never end.
 
After he ejaculated in me he collapsed on top of me and let go of my hands...I pushed on him as hard as I could, trying to get him off of me.
 
I slowly sat up and tried putting my underwear and pants back on....while I continued to sob.
 
I didn't know what to do? How do I get him out of my house? Do I call the police and report a rape? Wait...I can't call the police...what would my family think of me? Would they question if it was rape because I was intoxicated? Should I go to the hospital....who would they call? What would they do? Could he impregnate me? 

I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
 
I never felt so humiliated, degraded, disrespected, disgusting, mortified, petrified, hurt, sad, and dirty in all of my life.
 
I went into the bathroom, and wiped his filth from between my legs. My thighs were trembling with pain...my vagina hurt so bad.
 
I splashed water onto my face, trying to wake up. I looked into the mirror and put my head down...I was ashamed, so ashamed...

Paper Mache. life size, "RAPE" I created

                                 

A previous post of mine titled, Inspiration

Another previous post of mine, The Beauty in Tragedy

A recent post of mine titled, Emotional Wildfire

A Personal Note ~ To my Amazing Children

Dear James and Veronica,

I feel as though I have never conveyed how grateful I am to the both of you for loving and taking care of me all of those years when I was ill with MS. I never forgot every act of kindness, patience, and love you showed me...in my darkest times. I know mothers are suppose to be strong...but there were numerous times when I wasn't because I was so sick and leaned on you two for help.

Veronica ~

I remember how you learned to cook at a young age...because I had such trouble walking and standing. You stood in front of the stove, got out the eggs, and asked me to cook them for you. I was in such pain...I couldn't do it. You then got a chair, pushed it up to the stove and said "That's okay mommy...How do I make eggs?"

Sigh...my eyes water remembering that moment...how I adore you Veronica...

I told you to turn the stove on, crack the eggs and flip them when they turned white. I watched you from the sofa, as I was curled into a ball, from the pain.

You gently cracked the eggs against the stove, until they broke...you looked at the eggs in the pan and said "Mommy would you like some eggs too?"

You flipped the eggs, better than I ever could...you didn't even break the yolks! You then went over to the toaster and made some toast for the eggs.

You handed me a plate of eggs and toast, made by your little hands. Tears rolled down my cheeks because I was  grateful, but saddened because I couldn't be a mother.

Shortly thereafter you learned to cook pasta, macaroni and cheese, grilled cheese and Oodles of noodles. You took my place in the kitchen and became the mother. You cooked for James and I, taking care of us. Thank you...what you did all of those years...cannot be expressed in words.

I remember many times you placing a blanket on me, kissing my forehead, and saying "good night," before heading to bed. I never had to tell you it was time for bed. In fact, you often told James, to "go to bed...mommy isn't feeling good. We need to help mom, and be good."

You and James even did the laundry for me. Since you were better at folding, James washed and dried the clothes, so you could fold them. I even remember the times you put my clothes away in my dresser for me.

Then there were times you and James would clean the house...the best you could.

We wouldn't have had a clean home if it wasn't for you!

Thank you.

James ~

I never forgot the first time I came home on Canadian crutches. I felt so sad, lonely and depressed. You were only 3 years old...and you looked at me and said, "Mommy those are so cool...let me try!"

I smiled and began to cry....

You always tried to help me with Veronica, by watching over her and making sure she didn't get into trouble. I don't what I would have done if you hadn't helped me.

You helped with laundry, did chores around the house, helped me shop, carried in the groceries... you managed to do all of things I couldn't.

You would help me to my feet, get my walker or crutches and encouraged me to walk again...

When I'd fall you'd help me up.

You became the man of the house as a little boy.

Thank you so very much James...


I have often wondered if you two are angels, sent by God, to help me through my toughest times.

I wish I could of given you two the childhood you deserved. Instead the two of you accompanied me to the hospitals, pharmacies, doctors, got me my medicine, helped me to the bathroom, cooked and cleaned.

Helping me the way you guys did....kept us together! Could I ever thank you enough?

I'm sorry you guys couldn't hug me, sit on my lap or touch me because the my pain heightened when you did.  How I wanted to reach out to you guys, pull you in and hug you...I always feel sad thinking I never showed you two enough affection, when you were little and needed it most.

I'm sorry I couldn't be much of a mother all of those years...

I know I can't change the past...but I will live the rest of my life trying.

I know God created you two just for me. I've always felt so blessed to have such wonderful, supportive children. You have been my hope and light, in my darkest times of my life.

Everyone should know how wonderful you two are....

If it wasn't for the two of you...I wouldn't be who I am today. You are the strength, determination and courage I need to defeat MS.

I love you both with every beat of my heart....
 
Mom ~

A previous post of mine, How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

I have been told numerous occasions I need to tell my story because people need to know the truth about how to this fight and defeat disease. I am living proof that a cure does exist! I once believed, that at my current age of 33, I'd be in a wheelchair, a nursing home, respite care or dead because the multiple sclerosis was crippling and destroying my mind and body. Instead, I'm thriving, full of life, attending college, making art and attending the gym almost daily.

I'm sure you must be wondering how this is possible? When considering that multiple sclerosis is a debilitating neurological disease which becomes progressive over time. Multiple sclerosis is a terminal illness, with a prognosis of pain, paralysis and eventually death.

Not to mention my disease was on a rapidly progressive course which was beginning to cripple me and the preventative treatments and medications showed no effect. I was on 14 different daily medications to help treat my different symptoms and manage the pain. I felt lost, hopeless and was considering placing my children in foster care because I was hospitalized every 2-6 weeks for an exacerbation.

I felt lost, scared and alone...

I was getting worse and the prescriptions I was taking was numbing my mind and not helping.

Yet I still continued to go to the doctors and complain about my symptoms and the pain. The only thing they would do was offer more drugs and the side effects had left me incapacitated.

I was scared of not taking the prescriptions I was on because I couldn't imagine what my pain would be like if I was off of them.

I finally found the courage to stop every prescription I was taking, including the multiple sclerosis drug modifying therapy, which is suppose to be the only option to help stop this horrifying disease from progressing. Here's a link as to why the MS drugs don't slow disability.

I felt as though nothing was working and I had to change what I was doing.

Stopping the morphine was frightening and painful....but I thought if I could stop taking an addictive narcotic, I could stop taking everything else.

It wasn't easy dealing with, the withdrawal....and all of the pain....

But I did.

After that, I began to stop the medications...one by one...weaning off of them....

It was strange....after I stopped the taking tegretol (which is an anti-seizure drug used to treat pain)....

I woke up!!!

It was like I had been sleeping for many years. I could think more clearly, my thoughts sped up and I began to regain my energy and range of emotions.

I then began to take short brisk walks around my neighborhood everyday.

Then I joined my local YMCA and started doing cardio five days a week. Two weeks later I added strength training.

I could literally feel the neuropathy leave my body and my brain fog disappeared!

The numbness which was once in my legs, went to feet, then to my toes...until I felt completely normal.

My incontinence went away!

My limp was gone!

I started to get my life back!

I could go grocery shopping and carry the bags, do my laundry, cook dinner, play ball with my son, go visit friends and family....and RUN! The sun never felt so warm on face, the air never tasted so crisp, my heart never beat so hard, I could jump, and skip and live life everyday.

I don't fear tomorrow as I once did...I used to be scared of going to sleep and waking to temporary paralysis, blindness or pain.

I am not claiming there are magic pills you can take to feel better. I work on being healthy daily through diet and exercise...and its not easy to maintain...but its possible. Here's another link to someone else who was cured through diet and exercise.

Today, I can't wait for tomorrow....and I will begin at the gym...running and weight lifting....using the legs I once thought I would lose.

A must read post of mine titled, Latest Scientific Reasearch Has "Cured" Mice from Multiple Sclerosis.

Here's a link to a previous post of mine, How Exercise Fights Multiple Sclerosis

Another link of mine, A Secret to Defeating Multiple Sclerosis

A post of mine titled, How to Defeat Multiple Sclerosis Without Disease Modifying Drugs

There are numerous of other posts in my blog which describes which vitamins to take, how to cook quick healthy meals and foods to avoid.


.

Triumphant

I only want to make a brief post tonight because I injured my neck at the gym today, making me feel quite uncomfortable and sleepy from the pain. However, this past week I've been kicking ass at the gym, I leg pressed 770 pounds!

Although my weight hasn't come down much this past week, I have been increasing the amount of weight I use. I went from a leg pressing 390 pounds to 770 pounds!!!

I am now considered one of the strongest people at the gym. In fact, the guys that are professional weight lifters were cheering me on, telling me I'm a "bad ass," and bumping fists with me. I still can't believe I lifted that much...I feel like "Super woman."

Here's a link to a video so you know what a leg press is.

Next week I really want my son to go with me and record it on video, so I can share my new feat on a post.

To think that four years ago I was battling multiple sclerosis, was frequently hospitalized, walked with a limp, took 14 prescriptions, and today I'm considered one of the strongest people at the gym...

Sigh..

Thank you God...

I love life!

Over the next few days I want to make posts about having hormone imbalances and what you can do naturally to overcome this. Doctors want to prescribe the quick fix, which are birth control pills. However, these are extremely dangerous because of all the side effects associated with them.

I also want to discuss the multiple sclerosis drug modifying therapies. I haven't taken these drugs for over 5 years and am completely healthy, I want to explain why I don't take them, what they are made of and what other options are available. Here's the post, How to Defeat Multiple Sclerosis Without Disease Modifying Drugs.

I wish I could write more tonight, but my neck is killing me. I need to rest, ice the area and recuperate for my upcoming week. I can't wait to see how much I lift this week!

Here's a link to a previous post of mine, How Exercise Fights Multiple Sclerosis.

Here's another link I wrote entitled, Strengthening the Immune System.

My Life Could Be Worse

Today I felt as though I was a failure because I'm not getting things done. I'm feeling pressure from financial stress, my tire went flat, I'm upset because I can't attend college in the Fall, and I was beating myself up over the ten pounds I recently put on. I felt depressed, disheartened and began to cry.

I don't understand why I was so sad considering I've been through much worse in my life and I've gotten through it. I was feeling insurmountable pressure and I didn't know what to do with it, other than pray and talk to God.

I'm feeling the money pressure and anyone who is on disability knows what I'm referring to. I feel as though I get enough money to pay the household bills, but lack funds for my kids school supplies, clothes and sneakers.

I know I could get a decent job with my college degrees, but I think its useless. What good are Bachelor degrees, if I'd be earning 32 grand a year, still struggling and doing a job I didn't like? However, I could continue with college, be broke for a couple more years to finish with a Master's in Fine Arts degree and make about sixty grand a year.

Meanwhile, my kids and I suffer with little income and struggling to get by. So I've been doing small general contracting jobs to earn a few extra dollars, but the money has been going towards food and vet bills.

Copper chewed a hole in my sofa and has destroyed a third pair of dress shoes! I don't know how I'm going to replace them without any money.

Sigh...

I feel like giving up

I hung my head in shame.

Lately, I haven't been going to the gym as much. Normally I go 6 - 7 days a week, but lately I've been going four days a week and eating more. This has led to ten unwanted pounds around my middle and the feeling of failure.

To top it all off, my tire went flat and I don't have the means necessary to get it replaced. I found myself asking my boyfriend for help and felt  my last ounce of integrity go with it.

Tears rolled down my face and I recited the Serenity Prayer:
                                                     
I know I can change going to the gym more frequently, so today I went for 2 hours and lifted more weight than ever! I focused on my breathing and internalized my fears.

I know to fix something, I have to change, I have to make a difference now, not tomorrow.

I need to reclaim my independence and take control of my life. I need a plan of action and only I can do this.

However, I need to understand that not everything will happen now.

So I will begin with a better portfolio of my art work, writing to my professors, visiting the financial aid office and by visiting Craigslist to find more work and make money.

I know these fears only stop me from doing what is necessary, so I will stop being afraid, and do what I can.

I can recall my awful life only four years ago...and I smile when I think of where I am today.

I am stronger, smarter and healthier than ever....and know I can do anything if I believe in myself.

Here's a link to a newspaper article, which describes where I was four years ago, Hoping on Healing