Part II - Human versus Pain

The nurse came in and attempted to put an IV in, but she couldn't manage to hit the vein because it rolled . . . I tried warning her about the vein she was attempting. She left the room and another nurse entered - I figured here's the person they call when there's difficulty. . . yes . . . finally some pain relief.

I couldn't believe it, I was happy I was going to find relief through drugs. I consoled myself with the thought, when I left the hospital I would find a way to get a handle on the pain naturally, this was just a minor set back.

My nurse came back in with the meds in hand, and pushed the morphine in . . .

Whoosh - a warm sensation fell over my entire my body like an avalanche. I closed my eyes and thanked God my partner forced me here and could find some relief almost instantly. I opened my eyes and watched as she she pushed the valium in . . .

I felt the tension in my neck muscles relax rapidly, all of my anxieties disappeared, as well as my mind. I began having trouble thinking. There was a time delay from what I was thinking to what I could comprehend. This is when I remembered what I hated so much about pain medication - I couldn't think.

About 15 minutes rolled by as I slipped in and out of sleep and reality, and my hand finally stopped squeezing the muscle that was tightened. I could finally adjust my neck so my face wasn't shoved into the bed . . . the pain was finally bearable and my mind was gone.

The doctor came back in and ordered a CAT scan of my neck to see what was going on in there. I'm not sure how long it was before I was transported to imaging because I couldn't evaluate the lapse of time.

The lady in imaging was kind, quick and tried not to make me anymore uncomfortable then I already was.

I was back in my room before I knew it and continued to roll in and out of consciousness until the doctor reappeared.

"Your CAT scan revealed a bulged a disc at c4 and c5. I am referring you over to neurosurgeon. Did you have one in particular you want to see?"

I replied, "I don't want a neurosurgeon - they are a surgeon and get paid to operate. No one is cutting me open."

"What about an orthopedic?"

"Do you mean an orthopedic surgeon? They're the same as a neurosurgeon. Do you have an any other suggestions other then surgeons? How about an osteopath? I've heard they practice natural medicine. I need options and alternatives and am open to any other suggestions, other than surgeons."

The doctor left the room, but returned quite quickly with another doctor. "I'd like to introduce Dr. Triplett, an osteopath."

I smiled and felt relieved - I talked with Dr. Triplett about his practice and what he does, soft tissue manipulation. I explained my personal view on medication and explained how I prefer to do things naturally and that I hadn't opted to come here, but rather my body forced it upon me.

At times I have been faced with excrutiating pain such as this occurance. Are there any clear cut options and alternatives when it comes to emergencies? I'd be more than happy to hear of other people's thoughts and views as to how we can deal with pain - emergency or not.

It's important to weigh all of the options, listen to other people and their stories of how they overcame pain - emergency or non emergency pain - it's all the same. It's about we handle our day to day lives struggling, living and feeling exhausted from dealing with any type of affliction.

Unfortunately the pain medication I left the hospital with rendered it impossible for me to do any of my graduate course work. I couldn't read, comprehend, write, or make anything. I went off the medication early and switched to ibuprofen, went back to my crazy tea concoction and set up an appointment with the osteopath.

The other day I had my first soft tissue manipulation by an osteopath . . . the mobility in my neck has improved, the tightening of muscles has lessened. I have been working on the stretches she gave me and have been resting (this is hard for me to do because I have so much to do between graduate school, dog, kids, and partner). I had to let things fall behind, and am attempting not to stress out and just do the best I can do.

That's it . . . just doing the best I can everyday, with what I have to work with. Always looking for alternatives, and working to the best of my ability with all of my obstacles I have to deal with, but I will never give up.

I will keep on trying . . .

Part I to this post: The Battle: Human versus Pain

The Battle: Human versus Pain

Suffering with pain - never an easy feat. Every morning waking and feeling discomfort, and as the day progresses feeling the pain increase and intensify. Everybody's pain is different, from mental, physical and/ or spiritual. For those people like myself, who have been diagnosed with an illness, pain becomes a shadow that follows us even into darkness.

How do we deal with pain? Where do we find comfort and relief? What options do we have and which do we decide on using?

Thursday last week I left school early because I was in a tremendous amount of pain. When I would step I could feel electricity shoot down through my legs, my shoulder was burning and my neck was killing me. I felt completely worn out and needed to go home and lay down (I never take a break I usually push through pain and get through the day).

I came home, completely bummed out that I couldn't finish my class or complete my work I needed to get done. I went directly to the couch and laid down, exhausted and in agony. I begged my partner to get me a contour pillow at the store, remembering when I had owned one years ago it helped with neck pain. I was laying on the sofa but couldn't go to sleep - all I could do was complain and rant . . . I was a miserable wretch, the pain was intensifying.

I got my pillow, drank several cups of anti-inflammatory/ anti-stress/ detoxifying herbal tea (a concoction of marshmallow root, holy basil, ashwagandha, cayenne, turmeric, chlorella,  ginger, skull cap, burdock root and nettle leaf), applied a liberal amount comfrey balm, laid down on my new contour pillow and prayed I'd find relief and fall asleep.

A couple of hours went by and I was still awake! I was completely frustrated - I decided to take 10mg of melatonin, huperzine-A and ZMA - and knock myself out.

I awoke, sat up and began putting on gym clothes (as I always do first thing in the morning) and I could feel the pain tightening in my left shoulder and neck again. So I flexed my shoulder blades back together and felt a crack, then tilted my head to the right to crack my neck . . . .

POP

That was it, I fell back down on the bed, with my gym pants wrapped around my ankles, screaming in agony. . . .

H E L P !

My partner awoke suddenly and came rushing over, "Oh my gosh . . . what happened? What's wrong?"

I screamed, "My neck, my neck, my fucking neck!"

"What should I do?"

"I don't know. Does it look like I know? Just help. . . please help. . . " I was pleading, yelping and tears were streaming down my face.

He didn't know if he should move me, he was worried I would get injured more. "Should I call an ambulance?"

I replied loud and afraid, "Yes. No...I don't know. I don't want an ambulance. . . it's so embarrassing,"

"I really don't want to move you! I'm calling an ambulance. You have to go to the hospital."

I kinda felt relieved he was forcing this upon me - I didn't want him to lift me - I was afraid of my neck moving, but I was too strong to fully admit I needed an ambulance.

The paramedic arrived and moved quickly trying to figure out the best way to move me. They were scared of putting me in a collar, or moving my head because I seemed to have found a position with my head crooked into the bed, with my hand squeezing into my trapezius where I found some relief.

They asked me if I had any allergies - I began listing them off one by one (saying about 6 of them and having trouble remembering all of them) and they were afraid of administering anything to me.

I was carried out by 2 men, on plastic orange blanket of some sort, placed in the ambulance and driven to the Kingston Hospital.

I was met by a doctor as soon as I was pushed off onto the bed. I was met by the usual questions, what's your name, what happened, what medications are you on, what are you allergic to and what's your medical history. Unfortunately, my medical history is long and my list of allergies is extensive.

"I have multiple sclerosis, had a stem cell transplant, trigeminal neuralgia, 2 brain surgeries for the trigeminal, 3 left knee surgeries, gall bladder surgery,  hypopituitarism/ hypothyroid, 2 c-sections, and 2 pertruding discs in my lower back." Unfortunately when I prattled off my history I was interrupted by a look of shock and was asked to repeat it slower so he could write it all down.

We went into my anaphylaxic reaction to pain medications and he became worried about administering anything to me. I said, "I use to get prescribed morphine, hydrocodone and valium . . . and didn't have reactions to those meds."

"Okay, so let get an IV into you and get you some morphine and valium."

I felt relieved, anxious and defeated. How am I giving into prescription pain medication again? Do I even have a choice? I don't even take OTC pain relievers and now I'm gonna do this?! I began to shake, felt very confused and a flood of memories came rushing in . . . of being hospitalized, not being able to walk or barely move,  the pain from multiple sclerosis and feeling forced to take powerful drugs to find relief. I know what these drugs do to your system, from gastrointestinal problems, slowed heart rate, lower blood pressure, building of toxins in my liver and blood . . .

I really didn't want all I had worked up to, believed in and fight for everyday to be crushed. I lived a healthy, holistic lifestyle . . .  and now what does this make me?

Continue the story here: Part II - Human versus Pain

Links to some of my other blog posts:
Emotional Wildfire 
How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

Thoughts

There are days like today where I feel like I'm falling part...I envision myself as an old handmade porcelain doll, peeling, cracking, and withering away. When does my day end? When does it begin? Do I ever accomplish enough? Could I have done more? Could I have done better?
I've often wonder how I've come so far and wonder when am I going to fall apart?
I feel tension and pressure rising. . I haven't done enough on my sculpture;
I've handed in my midterm a day late;
My children want to be near their friends and not me;
My boyfriend waits for me to freak out;
All I want to do is yell, holler and scream...freak the fuck out;
Or do I breath, yawn, have a drink and chill the fuck out?
I look in the mirror and I see every wrinkle, every freckle, every grey hair, every once of fat;
I put some make up in hopes of revealing beauty, but all I see is a frail little girl ready to fall, break and shatter into a thousand pieces. . .
                                                  of nothing.
I'm suppose to be the "woman of steel," the unbreakable, strong, independent woman, who can conquer anything.
What am I?
Who am I?
Will I stop thinking of myself as full of flaws?
Am I ever going to realize, that I am today?
I am not my past, my mistakes, my sadness, or gloom that puts my thoughts where they are now:
I think back to my to all of my different life times I have experienced, from the business women to the drug addict, to the anorexic, to the depressed lonely little girl, the wife, the victim, the sick frail girl waiting to die, to the fat slob, the mother, the student, the artist, the painter, the sculptress the writer. . .
What am I?
What am going to do with tomorrow?
Will I decide to embrace what's around me at the time or will I get up and create, fight and struggle through creating my hopes and dreams in spite of fear?
What do I fear (besides God)?
I fear not walking, not running, being in pain, not seeing, being in a hospital, not being capable of pursuing my dreams, not painting, not writing, not being able to think clearly, living life, feeling the wind on my face, the pavement beneath my feet, and the rain on my skin.
I am not perfect, I am full flaws, full of sadness, full of desire, stitched, glued, taped and put back together in all sorts of wrong. I don't know who I am, or what I'm going to be or what I will conquer tomorrow, but I will start now, here, where I write and remember how I feel.
Every emotion, every bit of pain, every once of sorrow. . .I grieve, but I breath, and I remember there's still now, there's still today.
I will smile and live!
And I will have a glass of wine . . .

A previous post of mine, Inspiration

Emotional Wildfire

I can't believe this semester of school has already begun. It's strange to think that just a few months ago I thought I wouldn't be attending college this semester. I am delighted to say, that I am attending college this semester, stronger than ever, and I am creating art.

Is there anything that feels better than unleashing your imagination, finding your zone, letting go of everything around you and creating the impossible with your hands and your mind? I find peace, serenity, tranquility, inspiration, beauty and awe, in art.

I am embarking on a new journey, everyday. I begin my day, with tons of supplements, a healthy breakfast, and weightlifting. I find eating healthy creates a wholesome goodness at the core of my being and weightlifting provides an inner strength to my mind and body. This beginning to my day, enlightens my soul and invigorates my heart. Why wouldn't I want to begin my day healthy and strong? It's not easy to make myself go to the gym, especially when I'm tired, have so many other things to do, and always experiencing pain, but I have to...or I can't ever make the most of my day.

I have always created art based on the memoirs about my life. I typically abstract these memories and create a piece based on expressive emotion of the event I am retelling.

The next piece I am going to make I am going to do realistically, to emphasize what words cannot express and the heart can only feel. I want people to empathize with my art, and make a web of emotional connections, from one individual to another. For people to understand, they are not alone.  

I want to inspire people with strength and light....and help them look inside of themselves to see their emotions are beautiful, and nothing to be afraid of.

If sharing the traumatic events in my life can truly touch just one soul, and they inspire another, maybe then I can create a wildfire of love, to make this world a better place.

Prior related posts of mine, Inspiration
                                          How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis
                                          How to Help Pain ans Stress Naturally
                                          Unleashing My Imagination

Inspiration

                                 A previous post of mine, How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis

                                            A recent post of mine, Emotional Wildfire

RAPE

How do I begin..what do I say? Let me start where the night began....It was the night before Thanksgiving, 8 years ago...I was 25 and had been separated for about a year. I had been with my husband since I was 15 and was abused mentally, physically, emotionally and even sexually for over 8 years. 

I had no idea what the world was like because I wasn't allowed to have friends when I was married. I had no idea of how cruel and selfish people could be. I had gone from a home where my father physically abused me, to living with my boyfriend (who became my husband) who continued to hurt me.

When I finally gained the courage to leave my husband, I never felt so wonderful. It was as though I was a wild bird caged for many years...but then the door to my prison was opened and I clumsily flapped my atrophied wings, my heart beating rapidly, and I escaped.
 
I remember that night...I wish I could forget it. It was the night I couldn't scream! How I wish I could go back in time and scream...I lost a piece of myself..on that cold Autumn night....

My friend Amber and Edward Lux (I had been dating him for about 2 weeks) came over after my children went to bed that night.

Ed pulled out bottles of liquor from his bag, and I got out some beer. We began drinking quite heavily, one shot after another, swigging the beer afterwards, chasing the liquor down.

I'm not sure exactly how much I drank, I was so intoxicated by 1am that I could barely stand.

Amber decided to go upstairs and sleep in my bedroom and I slept downstairs in living room, on some blankets with Ed.

The second after we laid down his hands were all over me...groping my breasts, and my ass. He was thrusting his tongue into my mouth..."go slow and easy..." I said.
 
"Come on! Its been two weeks already. I can't wait for you any longer..." Ed said while pushing my butt into his pelvis, so I could feel his erection.
 
"I may be drunk, but I'm not ready to have sex with you yet!" I put my hands on his chest, pulled my knees up and tried pushing him away.
 
He pulled me closer and harder into him, as I pushed away...
 
"Stop it!" I said firmly.
 
"You know you want it," he said laughingly, as he grabbed my crotch.
 
I pushed his hands off with all of my strength, "I said stop it! I don't want this!"
 
I jerked my head back trying to stop him from slobbering me with his mouth, I then tried wriggling away from his tight hold on me. Whenever I pulled away, he would grab me harder and snicker...

I knew my strength was no match for his. Ed had an incredibly huge physique. He won the Tough Man Contest in Glens Falls two years in a row. I also felt languid from the heavy drinking I did that night, which only impaired my ability to fight him off.
 
I begged him to stop..over and over again.
 
"You are hurting me! I don't want to have sex with you!"
 
Ed angrily replied, "When? When then? I can't wait for you any longer!"
 
I lied and replied, "I don't know when. I guess when I feel ready, and I'm not ready yet!"
 
I knew at this point I never wanted to have sex with him. In fact, I didn't want to see him ever again after he continually groped and pulled on my body. I just wanted him to stop at this point, so I told him this hoping that if he thought I may want to have sex with him in the future, he would stop out of respect.
 
 "Can we fool around a little more?"

I replied firmly, "No...I'm really tired and drunk. I just want to sleep."

He loosened his grip on me and I rolled over and went to sleep.
 
A few hours later I awoke to him pulling my pants and underwear off. I felt fuzzy and very drunk...I could barely comprehend what was happening...was I dreaming?

"Stop! What are you doing?" I began kicking my legs, trying to stop what was happening. My pants were around my ankles making this very difficult.

He lunged his body forward on top of mine...snickering. He grabbed my wrists and pinned them together above my head. I yanked my head from side to side, and tried moving my arms...I could feel his knees on top of my thighs, making it so I couldn't move my legs. I was pinned and helpless.

I didn't know what to do...I couldn't scream because I would wake my kids up and they'd see their mother being raped!

I began to cry...and begged for him to stop..."Please, please...please stop."

His other hand went to his pants and I could hear his zipper....

"NO...NO...I don't want this! Please stop!"

He tried thrusting his penis into me...I flexed my thighs as hard as could, trying to stop him. He slid his knees up further onto my thighs and used his hand trying to spread my legs open.

I got a hand free...and went for this throat and squeezed his neck, attempting to hurt and or stop him. His other hand came forward and pulled my hand back above my head.

He thrust his penis into me...

My neck tightened up and my mouth opened to scream...but I couldn't...I couldn't wake my children to witness this horror.

Tears flowed from my eyes..."Stop it...stop...your hurting me!"

He continued to thrust his body into mine, while grunting like a wild animal.

"You know you want this....aaahhhh....you feel sooooo good..."
 
I sobbed...I didn't know what else to do...the more I tried to fight him off...the harder he plunged his pelvis into me and the more it hurt.
 
I began thinking in my head, why did I get drunk? What did I do to deserve this? Why is this happening to me? Is this really happening? I am a whore...Get off of me! Get off of MEEE!
 
The rape lasted maybe two minutes...but it seemed like hours...I thought it would never end.
 
After he ejaculated in me he collapsed on top of me and let go of my hands...I pushed on him as hard as I could, trying to get him off of me.
 
I slowly sat up and tried putting my underwear and pants back on....while I continued to sob.
 
I didn't know what to do? How do I get him out of my house? Do I call the police and report a rape? Wait...I can't call the police...what would my family think of me? Would they question if it was rape because I was intoxicated? Should I go to the hospital....who would they call? What would they do? Could he impregnate me? 

I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
 
I never felt so humiliated, degraded, disrespected, disgusting, mortified, petrified, hurt, sad, and dirty in all of my life.
 
I went into the bathroom, and wiped his filth from between my legs. My thighs were trembling with pain...my vagina hurt so bad.
 
I splashed water onto my face, trying to wake up. I looked into the mirror and put my head down...I was ashamed, so ashamed...

Paper Mache. life size, "RAPE" I created

                                 

A previous post of mine titled, Inspiration

Another previous post of mine, The Beauty in Tragedy

A recent post of mine titled, Emotional Wildfire

How to Help Pain and Stress Naturally

When our day begins and we wake up in pain, it is very depressing and stressful. We tend to focus on what is "hurting" rather than detach ourselves from the affliction.

The latest research has found a direct link between stress and new lesion formation (link to article).

The source of our malady doesn't matter... regardless of mental, or physical pain, there's always a way to work through it.

I've got a torn rotator cuff, two protruding discs at L4 and L5, suffered with MS for years, have had 3 knee surgeries, my gall bladder removed, and two brain surgeries due to trigeminal neuralgia (the most painful affliction in the world).

I know pain...it's hard, and worse, it is depressing.

The worst thing to do, is to sit around and do nothing, and let the pain and depression consume you.

I keep moving and working, always doing something to keep my mind away from pain.

I'm not saying to ignore a medical issue that needs treatment. Rather I'm saying, if you're like me...and suffer with pain, it's best to keep your mind off and away from it because it causes stress on your whole body.

Here's a link about how pain and stress are closely related.

I stay positive, and I am always looking for things to do. For example, I'm always listening to music, writing, spending time with loved ones, weight lifting, shopping for healthy food, reading, and creating. The Fall semester for college begins in less than a week...I can't wait to get into the studio and start sculpting. I'm also taking a 400 level English course, with a focus on writing.

Once my mind stops focusing, I find the pain...and feel miserable.

I feel most relaxed when I'm creating. I enter this "zone," and get so into what I'm doing that the rest of the world disappears.

It can be hard to create when my pain is awful, but all I have to do is start to create and I accidentally fall into my "zone" and the pain disappears.

You may not be creative and that's fine...find a hobby, spend time with a friend, meditate, pray, create a scrapbook, listen to/play music, play cards, board games, sing, dance, exercise, cook, read, write, stretch, etc. It doesn't matter what healthy activity you do, as long as your whole mind is immersed in it.

When your lost deep in thought, your body relaxes, stress lifts, and pain goes away.

Find your "zone," where your world, and your pain, melts away.

Related previous posts of mine, How to Fight Depression Naturally
                                                  How Exercise Fights MS
                                                 How I Defeated Multiple Sclerosis