I've never wrote a post on a blog before..this is my first attempt. I've always believed that to begin something you must first "start". For starting and or beginning something is the most challenging of all. Once we've begun, continuing from that point is easier.

Sometimes we don't know where to begin, or we question where to begin or we are scared to begin or even afraid of making a mistake. I'd rather make mistakes and do what I can then do nothing at all.

For where does one begin? How do we begin?

We first begin with our thoughts and ideas and sometimes transpose them into a tangible outline and or drawing. Personally I prefer to continue creating, drawing, fabricating in my mind. I guess that makes me selfish and possibly lazy. However, in my mind I can't spell things wrong, I'm not confined to a key board or to paper. I feel boundless and free only to the limits in which my mind finds.

These limits are because of comments which people make, whether they are cruel, honest or kind, it doesn't matter. If someone was to say to me about a painting, "That's the perfect amount of green." I'd then re-evaluate the green on the painting. Whether I was going to or not. Then I'd think of their work, education and other opinions they've offered to me or to others, to see whether I should even listen to what they are saying. However, even if I feel they are not qualified I'd still look at the green because they've remarked on it. I'd debate whether I'd agree or disagree, but regardless if I did or didn't I've been known to spite others comments and do completely the opposite by either adding more or taking away the color. Sometimes this wouldn't be out of spite, but I'd do it to challenge their opinion because by adding more or taking it away I could prove their comment held no valid point.

I know that when I do this I sometimes cut off my nose to spite my face. In other words, I may agree with them, but decide to change it because now from their comment...I want to. This is why I prefer to create in my mind...free of comments by others and free of thought.

I have found that with my last painting which I did (which was for an installation) that headphones were an ally to creating my work. It stopped the world around me and freed me from what others could say to me..whether it was about my painting or not because it doesn't matter what one could say to you. They could ask you a question, such as if they could borrow something. What this does is stop you from working and derail your creative process you were in.

Do I think this is selfish? To ignore the world around you while you are creating? No, I don't! In fact I find it necessary in order to have free thoughts and associations to what you are doing. I find that people interrupting you are a hindrance and hence a hindrance to my work.

I'm not saying that one should be cut off from contact from people, but limited to the interactions with people, while he or she is working. So they are within their mind, which is free and limitless.

As I am writing this...I am thinking about this subject and it has begun my wheels turning because recently I've found myself cut off from funding to art school. My FASFA and TAP are at their limits and my loans have almost reached a maximum allowed for an undergrad and yes I have chosen to remain an undergrad although I have enough credits to graduate with two degrees. I have chosen this because I wasn't accepted into grad school. I was told tat my work wasn't complicated enough. That my area of concentration wasn't specified enough. That I need more of a specific area of focus...such as sculpture. And so I was going to continue as an undergrad until I just found out about my financial aid crisis..thanks to a new law which was implemented just recently. WTF? AHHHHHHHHH !!!! That was me screaming...I mean seriously now what? I'm not in grad school because I need more sculpture courses to create a better portfolio with an emphasis on sculpture...but I'm out of financial aid. My wonderful BF (Matthew Cassidy) had a great idea of using VESID because of my diagnosis of multiple sclerosis. So I went to the orientation..only to find out they can help me...but not until January! So I'm feeling screwed and let down....and like a failure. I hate stop signs...delays..derailments...or BS like this!

Yes Ive defeated a disease..yes I can do what I put my mind to (God willing), but this is just bull shit...I'm a great student..I'm hard working, focused, determined...and well..no. I don't take like being told "no". I've always like to think there are other options but I'm feeling there are none. Or maybe this is God trying to push me into something else.What He's trying to tell me I have no idea? Maybe that I should apply to another college or maybe I shouldn't be in college or maybe that I should get a dumb job and become like everyone else...well maybe not the last idea lol. I mean why would God have me go through a crippling disease and a stem cell transplant and a divorce and abuse...to work at Walmart? Neyhhh....I don't think so...I feel I have a true purpose in this world.

Maybe God agrees with me about commentary from others and doesn't want me in college to I am not subject to being torn down by others...maybe He wants me to become more disciplined and work on my own? Well if that is the case then I need to designate time each day to work and stop finding excuses to not be doing my work. However, a studio would be wonderful..I'd get the place to do my work which I find is necessary for someone like me. Its hard for me to work at home..I'm always running into distractions...and well I've attempted to work at my BF's place but he's one heck of a distraction lol. And the pathetic thing is..I almost welcome him as a distraction..which is very bad. Okay...so what I am realizing after this blog is I need to sit down with him tomorrow and discuss my thoughts which I have wrote down here and let him know that if I am to work there I am going to make hours to do so and they will not be interrupted by him...that I love him...but I love art and I love my work. I have found that regardless of what happens in my life..that if I have my art..I can breath, I can live and I can work through my problems.

However, when I'm not working and creating my art...that I am without passion, love, zest, and zeal for life. When I'm creating I find my focus, my Zen my sole purpose and intended purpose for living!

To create the awe...the emotion which is without words or impossible of description. I want my work to be jarring and to be called, "weird" or "interesting" because they can't find the words, for their are no words only a correlated emotion which is invoked through my work.

That is what I create...the inexplicable awe.